Study | Days 1-2

I skipped the chapter of fasting because I am a nursing mother and should not practice that discipline until Benjamin is no longer relying on me for calories and nutrients. I'm relieved, to be honest. I am not that interested in fasting. But I sense that God wants me to experience it and some day I'll go there.

Yesterday I started Foster's chapter on Study. About a week ago Shane challenged me to memorize the book of James. It was mostly to practice memorization than it was to be spiritual. I have a dreadful memory and it sometimes results in messy situations. Forgetting to return an important phonecall. Forgetting to pay a bill. Forgetting a project deadline. I have a decent short-term memory. I would get A's on tests in school because I could memorize all the content the night before. But final exams weren't so great because I didn't retain information throughout the semester. I think I might take on Shane's challenge, but also practice the discipline of study in the fashion that Richard Foster suggests.

He says there are four steps to this discipline.

1. Repitition
2. Concentration
3. Reflection
4. Comprehension

I'm good at repitition. It's almost mindless and I can do that while focusing my attention elsewhere. Concentration I'm good at when I want to be. But I don't practice it unless I have to. Reflection is something I usually only come to when my emotions drive me there. If I feel something strongly enough, or I'm experiencing something that is deeply affecting me, I enjoy taking time to reflect (...and even write a blog about those reflections!).

Comprehension hurts. At least it does when I try hard enough to obtain comprehension. It's like my mind struggles to wrap entirely around a subject. I start battling all other possibilities and questioning whether or not I really comprehended the subject, or if it is even possible to get it. I prefer a "eureka" moment when I suddenly understand and it all makes sense in a natural and exciting way. It's much less exhausting than striving toward comprehension. I'm not saying I don't strive, because some things I want to get. If it's important enough to me I'll strive. But studying just because I know it's good for me. Makes me want to go take a nap just thinking about it.

So I guess the habit that needs broken is laziness. I don't mind admitting that. Because if I can stare laziness in the face and see how ugly and broken it can make a situation, then I'll stand a chance of conquering this habit. Get thee behind me!

The book of James better be at least somewhat exciting. I can't remember if it is...

Prayer | Days 33-41

My coworker shared this poem with my department on Tuesday that seemed to go along well with this blog and what I'm learning/working on. I can't forget why I'm on this journey in the first place. It isn't so I fully understand the disciplines and perfect them. I just want to deny my self-serving and unhealthy habits that only push me away from God.

I'd like to end the prayer section of this blog reflecting on a few key points I've learned about prayer.

• Foster advises to not make prayer complicated but to come to the Lord as a child to her Father in honesty and humility. Seeing prayer this way gives me peace.
• Pray for others. All the time. God's compassion in us drives us in prayer. Foster says if we dread praying for someone then don't. He will give the assignment to someone else with compassion for the person or circumstance. We are not necessarily called to pray for every thing that is before us that needs prayer. I recently felt an overwhelming amount of emotion when reconnecting with an old friend and looking through her online photos. I felt so much a desire to pray for her, so I did. When I shared this with her in an email she messaged me back with a piece of wisdom I have never heard: "Let the emotions flow like tears. Intercession doesn't always mean there is a great need to address but it also means there is a great and deep communion to be had."
• What she said is exactly what I had been realizing about prayer. Prayer is communion. It changes lives and circumstances, but mostly it changes us because we are in communion with our heavenly Father.

Prayer | Days 19-32

I am slow to put my goals into practice. I am slow to accomplish items on any to-do list unless it is easy or quick. That being said, I've barely scratched the surface of my goals listed in the last blog (I at least have a prayer box now) and feel like I've only dipped a toe in the ocean of disciplined prayer. I might take Richard Foster's suggestion of reading a whole other book on prayer because there is too much to fit into his one chapter. Perhaps I should do my own Scriptural study on prayer. Honestly, I don't really want to and it seems kind of silly to some extent.

I guess what bugs me about the exploration of prayer (whether my own exploration or someone else's) is that it can turn into such an intense separate subject that it detracts from the key message/goal which is God Himself. I don't want to study prayer. I want to draw closer to God and know Him more. Prayer is just a way of doing that and seems simple enough without having to study it, for crying out loud. Jesus' example of prayer is so perfectly simple and all encompassing ("Our Father who art in heaven..."). Yet, He spoke with God so regularly I would hardly call it prayer. I would call it communion. Is that what prayer is? Then why is it important for me to make prayer a distinct discipline when it should be a common integrated part of my life? In my mind, prayer should not even be a word. Communion makes most sense. It's what takes place when two come together and converse. A lack of conversation is almost impossible with my husband on a daily basis. So shouldn't a lack of conversation be almost impossible with the God who lives inside me? The times when I lack conversation with my husband is when we are on bad terms with one another. We don't desire to be with one another when we've hurt or misunderstood each other. Thankfully God does not do wrong or misunderstand me. It's a one-sided issue when there is an issue. Which means I have the ability to draw near again to him when I confess and submit. And if confession and submission are daily then I stay in communion.

Communion. When I think of prayer in this way, I desire it. I see God sitting with me as I thank Him for the meal. I feel His arm around me when I cry in despair for a hurt loved one. I see Him nod in understanding when I'm frustrated with violence and injustice.

God, I long to experience communion with you all day every day. Help me to never face an hour without speaking and listening to you. You ARE near. I just sometimes forget You're with me and walk away from You. Please help me remember. Brand Yourself on my heart so I know forever I'm Yours.
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A side note: I unplugged our TV for Lent. My days feel suddenly longer and I'm playing with more toys and reading more books and washing more dishes. :)


Another side note: I think I've made small forward steps in my communion with God. I'm asking for guidance more before I pray. I love the practice of listening to Him before jumping into prayer.