Hard Work vs. Inspired Work

"...spiritual disciplines have "not been tried and discarded because [they] didn't work, but tried and found difficult (and more than a little tedious) and so shelved in favor of something or other that could be fit into a busy [person's] schedule." - great article from Christianity Today

I can relate to that. Is the reason I don't really want to integrate a routine of spiritual discipline in my life because it's "more than a little tedious"? I'm sometimes really good at tedious things. I also enjoy putting things on my calendar and following through with it. It's satisfying. But putting "prayer time" or "meditation" on my daily calendar doesn't satisfy me. It seems so unnatural and sterile.

"Work harder" just isn't that appealing to me. I have a difficult time working hard on something unless I'm inspired to do so. Is God really saying, "If you really loved me, you would work harder on praying more. You would open that Bible more"? Maybe all God is saying and has said over and over is, "I love you." Every command, nudge, whisper, every experience we have with Him is an act of love. That's inspiring. That makes me want to do something. With that kind of inspiration, my work is for real. It's out of real devotion and love for God because He is good and first loved me. Isn't that the kind of devotion He wants from us? Not forced or scheduled.

I might have figured something out just now...

Maybe the disciplines that I need to practice more are the ones I am weak or lack experience in. I think I need to read the rest of Richard Foster's book; read what the rest of the disciplines are and what they suggest. Maybe I shouldn't draw conclusions yet on integrating spiritual disciplines in my life.

Tired of Discipline

I've procrastinated coming back to this blog to start actually "dialoguing" with myself all that has been in my head over this subject of spiritual disciplines. I haven't had any revelations or conclusions, so this post might be all over the place.

I'm having a hard time wanting to make room for the spiritual disciplines in my life, but maybe that's how it's supposed to be right now. Perhaps God is not allowing room because if I was able to find a nice little routine of spiritual discipline (praying, meditation, studying, etc.) I might just get comfortable and think this is what it's about. It might actually make me lazy in my communion with God. Maybe He is asking more than quiet time and routine pieces of my life . Of course He is.

The last couple of months I've been contemplating whether I even like the idea of spiritual discipline any more. I'm a little annoyed that "Spiritual" is a category in our lives. My belief is that everything is spiritual and there is no reality separate from that. I'm annoyed by the phrase, "It's a God thing" and I'm annoyed by how we categorize life and put "spiritual" in one bucket like God just pops in for the party now and then so we don't forget about Him. I want God to be in and with all of me everywhere, all the time. It's weird trying to fit Christ into my lifestyle. Christ should be my lifestyle.

BUT, as a human, that's very hard to do. Since my brain is not in perfect working order and my heart not in complete surrender all the time…I can see how the disciplines can train our minds and sync our beliefs with our actions.  But I do not have much desire during this season of life to fit those disciplines in. Shouldn't communion with God be a more natural moment-by-moment all-day activity?

Here's the thing: If Jesus were with me right now, would I even ask him about spiritual disciplines? I would feel like such a Pharisee for trying to discuss them with Him! Jesus doesn't talk about spiritual disciplines! No, here's the thing: Jesus is here with me. If that's the one thing I can get into my thick head and it stays there, I may not need to intentionally practice the other spiritual disciplines. They might just show up anyway because they're a natural part of life with Jesus. I just don't know if fasting for the sake of fasting is worth it. Or if praying because it's that time of day again makes any sense. Or if putting a couple volunteer hours in a week for a cause really counts as communion with God. It might make me feel like I'm doing my part and being a good person, but am I really in communion with God because I do those things? I know many have found the disciplines valuable. But ideally I see them being more common rather than set apart. I'm tired of Jesus being an idea that sits on a pew or goes down to the homeless shelter to serve a meal once a week. This is what I'm tossing around lately. I haven't been blogging, but the subject matter is there.

If I get time, I would like to try to write something on the most recent chapter I read from The Celebration of Discipline on the discipline of simplicity. It so appeals to me, not as a discipline though; as a lifestyle. Maybe that's what Richard Foster is getting at anyway.

Study | Days 3-12

I finished the chapter on study and found that Foster meant for more than scripture to be studied. He encourages the study of other books, particularly Christian classics. Dietrich Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship was mentioned. Although I still haven't finished that book entirely, it has changed my life. The intensity of Bonhoeffer's walk is motivating and really knocks down walls of complacency.

Foster encourages people to ready through and study large books in the Bible that are often read in segments instead of all the way through. I could benefit from this. But I'm trying to take his advice on reading through a smaller book every day for a month, but haven't succeeded in reading past chapter 2 on the days I've tried. I'm starting to doubt that I can take on the challenge of memorizing the entire book of James. It seems like such a huge book now that I look at it that way. This is what I have so far, "James, a bondservant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes in the Dispersion. Greetings."

I have the greeting memorized. Amazing. Discipline is not my strength, as I've noted before.

Another surprising element of study that Foster mentions is the study of nonverbal "books." Nature, current events, human relationships, yourself. He said, for example, to watch "how much our speech is aimed at justifying our actions. We find it almost impossible to act and allow the act to speak for itself... Because of pride and fear, because our reputations are at stake!" I've noticed this in myself lately! And it's driving me nuts how I'm so afraid of people thinking wrongly of me or pointing a guilty finger at me. This is especially true in my marriage. I always want to convince my husband my motives are pure so he will understand why I do things and not be upset. But if my motives are pure then why do I have to keep trying to prove it? I'm kind of annoyed by this in myself now, but at least I'm aware of it. It's a habit I didn't even know existed in myself. Who would have thought I would have discovered it in from reading a chapter on the discipline of study?

Study | Days 1-2

I skipped the chapter of fasting because I am a nursing mother and should not practice that discipline until Benjamin is no longer relying on me for calories and nutrients. I'm relieved, to be honest. I am not that interested in fasting. But I sense that God wants me to experience it and some day I'll go there.

Yesterday I started Foster's chapter on Study. About a week ago Shane challenged me to memorize the book of James. It was mostly to practice memorization than it was to be spiritual. I have a dreadful memory and it sometimes results in messy situations. Forgetting to return an important phonecall. Forgetting to pay a bill. Forgetting a project deadline. I have a decent short-term memory. I would get A's on tests in school because I could memorize all the content the night before. But final exams weren't so great because I didn't retain information throughout the semester. I think I might take on Shane's challenge, but also practice the discipline of study in the fashion that Richard Foster suggests.

He says there are four steps to this discipline.

1. Repitition
2. Concentration
3. Reflection
4. Comprehension

I'm good at repitition. It's almost mindless and I can do that while focusing my attention elsewhere. Concentration I'm good at when I want to be. But I don't practice it unless I have to. Reflection is something I usually only come to when my emotions drive me there. If I feel something strongly enough, or I'm experiencing something that is deeply affecting me, I enjoy taking time to reflect (...and even write a blog about those reflections!).

Comprehension hurts. At least it does when I try hard enough to obtain comprehension. It's like my mind struggles to wrap entirely around a subject. I start battling all other possibilities and questioning whether or not I really comprehended the subject, or if it is even possible to get it. I prefer a "eureka" moment when I suddenly understand and it all makes sense in a natural and exciting way. It's much less exhausting than striving toward comprehension. I'm not saying I don't strive, because some things I want to get. If it's important enough to me I'll strive. But studying just because I know it's good for me. Makes me want to go take a nap just thinking about it.

So I guess the habit that needs broken is laziness. I don't mind admitting that. Because if I can stare laziness in the face and see how ugly and broken it can make a situation, then I'll stand a chance of conquering this habit. Get thee behind me!

The book of James better be at least somewhat exciting. I can't remember if it is...

Prayer | Days 33-41

My coworker shared this poem with my department on Tuesday that seemed to go along well with this blog and what I'm learning/working on. I can't forget why I'm on this journey in the first place. It isn't so I fully understand the disciplines and perfect them. I just want to deny my self-serving and unhealthy habits that only push me away from God.

I'd like to end the prayer section of this blog reflecting on a few key points I've learned about prayer.

• Foster advises to not make prayer complicated but to come to the Lord as a child to her Father in honesty and humility. Seeing prayer this way gives me peace.
• Pray for others. All the time. God's compassion in us drives us in prayer. Foster says if we dread praying for someone then don't. He will give the assignment to someone else with compassion for the person or circumstance. We are not necessarily called to pray for every thing that is before us that needs prayer. I recently felt an overwhelming amount of emotion when reconnecting with an old friend and looking through her online photos. I felt so much a desire to pray for her, so I did. When I shared this with her in an email she messaged me back with a piece of wisdom I have never heard: "Let the emotions flow like tears. Intercession doesn't always mean there is a great need to address but it also means there is a great and deep communion to be had."
• What she said is exactly what I had been realizing about prayer. Prayer is communion. It changes lives and circumstances, but mostly it changes us because we are in communion with our heavenly Father.

Mediation | Days 38-47

This discipline has passed the honeymoon stage and I'm back to meditating only when I feel like it. I've been finding moments here and there to read the Celtic prayers. But even then, I just read them and don't pause to reflect or let the words sink in. I'm getting lazy. But it's not like it should be easy. It's too bad that meditating doesn't come more naturally to me. I find myself wanting to withdraw to a place where I don't have to think. Every day is full of thinking and in the mornings, on my breaks and before bed I just want my brain to stop. I have it in my head that meditating is like thinking. But maybe it doesn't have to be. Maybe it's just listening quietly, or allowing a word or image to float around my head. Even that doesn't sound like that much fun. I would rather my mind be filled without my having to think. I would rather read. Or browse online. Because it fills my mind and I hardly have to do a thing. But to just sit and let my head be empty or just partially full sounds uncomfortable to me. Or boring. There is my idol of occupation. Can I give it up? Is it too scary to let my mind sit empty in submission to God? What will He say to me? My fear is that He will say nothing and I will sit there unnoticed.

There it is.

My fear of being forgotten or ignored. It goes way back. I've been ignored. I am boring enough to just disappear into the background. I feel uninteresting and unimportant. I have found ways to get noticed in my life. They were temporarily satisfying.

Perhaps the reason I don't find meditating appealing is because I'm afraid nothing will come of it. That I won't receive a single moment of revelation or blessing. It's a selfish way to view meditation. Where is my desire to just be with God no matter what He gives me? It's a small desire, if I even have it. I've experienced that desire in fleeting moments of worship...and in the shower with tears of repentance.

Richard Foster has given me the advice before to ask for the desire to meditate. I'm going to keep on asking. "Ask and it shall be given."


On a side note: I would like to experience lent and give something up this year. Last year I gave up radio in the car (it was an obsession) and learned to be still and listen on my commute. It created in me a hesitation to turn it on, which is a miracle. Lord, what would you have me give up this year? Maybe there is a small way to give up my idol of occupation.

Meditation | Days 6-12

As I have been exploring meditation I find myself forgetting my end goal. It is not to get good at meditating, or to find the meaning of meditation or even to make meditation a habit. My end goal is to draw nearer to God, which is really not a very clear, measurable goal. There is no way to see if I met that goal or to look back on my days and see accomplishment or success. Meditation is a tool and an opportunity to draw nearer. I've been doing yoga, but am still struggling to use it for more than just exercise. Once I become more than a beginner it will probably become easier to meditate simultaneously. I'll just keep practicing, because I know it is good practice. Plus, my body is slowly feeling more capable than it used to. It is good for my physical well-being and encourages good circulation when sitting at a desk all day does not.

I have been practicing the "Palms Down, Palms Up" meditation that Foster teaches in his book. It's a great meditation for the end of the day. I simply sit quietly on my bed with my eyes closed, palms down on my knees. Then I recognize all my anxieties that are lingering from the day. I sometimes say out loud what they are and give them to God. "Lord, I give you my anxiety about my newsletter deadline. I give you my frustration with disciplining Oliver. I give you my obsession with wanting a clean house and disappointment in not having that.....etc." Then as I give those over and trust God in the areas I want control in, I turn my palms up and receive the Lord's blessing. "Lord, I receive your peace about work and the upcoming deadline. I receive your wisdom for disciplining and teaching Oliver. I receive your grace to let go of every task at hand and the patience to deal with one day at a time." I am thankful for this tool as it slows me down and teaches me to trust.

I want to practice his other meditation suggestions as well. Meditation on creation is one and meditation upon events of our time. I haven't yet decided how to approach these, but I'm excited to learn more. Foster ends his meditation chapter with encouraging words:


"You must not be discouraged if in the beginning your meditations have little meaning to you. There is a progression in the spiritual life, and it is wise to have some experience with lesser peaks before trying to tackle the Mt. Everest of the soul. So be patient with yourself. Besides, you are learning a discipline for which you have received no training. Nor does our culture encourage you to develop these skills. You will be going against the tide, but take heart; your task is of immense worth."

He also reminds me that meditation is not a single act, but a way of life.

Meditation | Day 3, 4 & 5

I succeeded in 4 straight days of yoga and meditation. Foster says in his meditation chapter that it's easy for us to associate meditation with the Eastern meditation practices we hear about, but the Christian practice is quite different. The goal of Eastern meditation is to empty mind and your whole self. But the goal of Christian meditation is to first empty yourself and then allow God to fill your mind and heart. This is all paraphrased of course. I don't have his book in front of me.

I've been using online videos and sometimes it isn't easy to meditate on scripture when you're listening to an instructor that is encouraging you to free your mind of thoughts, release your worries, etc. Yoga is not the best way for me to meditate. But it's good practice for repeating scripture in the midst of activity. If I can gain the habit of keeping God at the forefront of my mind while exercising, working and playing, then Yoga will be worth it. But I want to learn meditation apart from yoga. The sitting quiet and still kind. Morning is not a good time for me at this point because my mind is so foggy that I fail to keep concentration and am tempted to fall back asleep. But I can see how quiet meditation might be very helpful at the end of the day before bed. So tonight, Day 5, will be my first try at silent, still meditation. I'm not sure what I will meditate on or use to help guide my thoughts. Foster encourages the imagination. Perhaps I will find a beautiful, peaceful place of nature in my mind to meet with God one on one.

I skipped yoga today since my mother-in-law and sister-in-law stayed the night. My living room was occupied and I didn't want to do yoga with people watching me. That's a little different than having the early morning to yourself or even taking a class. Now, if they would have joined me I wouldn't have minded. Maybe I should have asked! Maybe I'll resume yoga tomorrow.

Another scripture I meditated on during yoga this week: Galations 5:24 "Now those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

My First Thoughts

Written November 29, the day of my bathroom revelation.

My habits. I can't break them until I first notice them. They must be identified or admitted and then unpracticed. It's so hard because the habit must be deliberately not done. It's like seeing someone you know on the street, stopping, staring at them in the eye for more than a second and then walking away. You stare at them long enough to experience the emotion tied to that person. Long enough to identify what is happening inside your head when you think of them. It's a direct acknowledgment and then a deliberate decision of the heart, mind and body to say no. It hurts because it's an experience of the entire being. Not like jumping off a cliff into water before you have time to think about it. Instead it's like waiting as long as it takes to gain full realization of what you're about to do. Those seconds or minutes can be intense. But that experience is necessary in order to gain self-control and discipline. Because only then will you remember why you made those decisions and not turn back later on.

My habits need named. I need to point my finger and stare at them. Show me my habits, Lord. Don't let me be unknowingly (or even knowingly) ruled by them. Only by your grace is this possible. Only by your grace do I attempt this journey.

I now understand better why fasting is important. It's the chance for the mind and body to fully realize what it is so used to and what it can do without. It's realizing that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. He is our bread and it takes time to realize and surrender our habit of dependency and consumption.

December 1

My idols are occupation and sensation. I prefer to serve or indulge in both at the same time. I am temporarily satisfied if I have something to be occupied by that also stirs some sort of feeling inside me. That's why it's hard to sit and do nothing, or even do something that is mundane or ordinary. When I eat breakfast it is just a task. So I read something while I eat and I am satisfied. When I do house chores I like music to stimulate me. When I'm working at the desk I prefer to have a cup of coffee or tea because it feels more special and provides a warm sensation. These are not bad preferences or evil actions at all. But I have become slave to my habits. I become irritable or depressed if I lack a task or am without feeling or excitement. This is not freedom. And in this state I cannot hear God's voice. I can't grow because I'm always looking for something more. Productivity often becomes lord.

I need to change and break my habits so I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind. This is a new journey for me. I am learning how to take this journey from Richard Foster. His insights in Celebration of Discipline have spoken to a place in me that has been hungry for the traditions of saints and the structure that my generation (and maybe several generations back) have lacked in our faith. My realization of this has been slow, but I've noticed it in others as well. There is a movement that reaches for discipline and traditions of the old. I read the first five chapters of Foster's book then stopped for a couple of weeks. I've known for some time that I lack discipline. I pray when I feel like it, read the Bible when I'm inspired or desperately need a word from God. But Foster teaches that the importance of the disciplines (meditation, prayer, fasting, study, simplicity, solitude, submission, service, confession, worship, guidance, celebration) is that they are a path on which transformation and righteousness can occur. I cannot make transformation and righteousness in myself because they are a gift from God. "The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that he can transform us," (chapter 1).

And that is why I want to practice the spiritual disciplines. I want to grow closer to God and be changed to His likeness.

James 4:8
"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you."

Bathroom Revelation

I really needed a shower. But not just because it had been more than 24 hours since my last one, but because I felt irritated, bitter, and my whole insides were bubbling with disappointment. Unfortunately Fortunately I have a horrible memory, and I have no recollection of what it was all about. All I remember is feeling trapped in myself; sick of what I demand of myself and the ways I cope with...anything. Something drove me to the bathroom which is a wonderful, sometimes the only place to retreat to. A perfect place to be cleansed of myself. To make a long story blog-length, I ended up breaking down in tears and having a huge realization that I need a major change on the inside. I need to be closer to God, and I need his grace to be rid of selfishness and discontentment. And one thing became very clear: I need discipline. And not just any discipline, but the ancient spiritual disciplines.


Two weeks ago I read the first five chapters of Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline - The Path to Spiritual Growth and it stirred in me a hunger to not just read about it but experience it fully. In fact this hunger has been there for a few years now but I've been waiting for the experience to drop in my lap. After my shower experience I decided to start the book over and keep a journal as I learn the disciplines. My first entry took a couple of days as I reflected on my realization and tried to imagine what these next chapters of my life might look like. I read the first chapter again and was stunned by how exactly it spoke to my personal life. My next post will be that first journal entry and then I will begin chapter two, The Discipline of Meditation. Perhaps a blog will encourage me to follow through with this journey and not become lazy in my pursuit.

Lord, let this be a journey led by you. I will seek your face and meet you.