Penny Said It For Me

"I’ve got two [kids], which means I can’t spend days in a cave or hours on my knees. Something about the mental and physical exhaustion of child-rearing makes even the leanest spiritual practice a near impossibility. The proffered solutions are laughable, even ridiculous. Get up earlier to read the Bible. Seriously? Is that a joke? Find space in the small moments of each day? I might feel guilty about it sometimes, but I’d rather wrangle some control over my house and my self lest I turn into the baby food-wearing, greasy-haired, haggard mommy I am but a few small steps ahead of becoming.


I often think there must be something wrong with me, because drinking coffee and brushing my teeth usually takes precedent over reading the Bible.  I berate myself, saying that if I really cared about my spiritual life I would make the necessary sacrifices. I had almost convinced myself of this when a friend suggested Bonnie Miller-McLemore’s book, In the Midst of Chaos: Caring for Children as Spiritual Practice. Miller-McLemore* rejects the notion you must say goodbye to a vibrant spiritual life when you become a parent. She challenges us to get rid of the belief that the sacred is found only in certain rituals, practices, and places, noting that Protestants have forgotten about the sanctification of the ordinary."    - Penny Carothers, from a post on Donald Miller's blog

Meditation | Day 3, 4 & 5

I succeeded in 4 straight days of yoga and meditation. Foster says in his meditation chapter that it's easy for us to associate meditation with the Eastern meditation practices we hear about, but the Christian practice is quite different. The goal of Eastern meditation is to empty mind and your whole self. But the goal of Christian meditation is to first empty yourself and then allow God to fill your mind and heart. This is all paraphrased of course. I don't have his book in front of me.

I've been using online videos and sometimes it isn't easy to meditate on scripture when you're listening to an instructor that is encouraging you to free your mind of thoughts, release your worries, etc. Yoga is not the best way for me to meditate. But it's good practice for repeating scripture in the midst of activity. If I can gain the habit of keeping God at the forefront of my mind while exercising, working and playing, then Yoga will be worth it. But I want to learn meditation apart from yoga. The sitting quiet and still kind. Morning is not a good time for me at this point because my mind is so foggy that I fail to keep concentration and am tempted to fall back asleep. But I can see how quiet meditation might be very helpful at the end of the day before bed. So tonight, Day 5, will be my first try at silent, still meditation. I'm not sure what I will meditate on or use to help guide my thoughts. Foster encourages the imagination. Perhaps I will find a beautiful, peaceful place of nature in my mind to meet with God one on one.

I skipped yoga today since my mother-in-law and sister-in-law stayed the night. My living room was occupied and I didn't want to do yoga with people watching me. That's a little different than having the early morning to yourself or even taking a class. Now, if they would have joined me I wouldn't have minded. Maybe I should have asked! Maybe I'll resume yoga tomorrow.

Another scripture I meditated on during yoga this week: Galations 5:24 "Now those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

Meditation | Days 1 & 2

The first inward spiritual discipline that Foster writes about is meditation. I’ve decided to explore this in two ways: Yoga and Scripture. The last two mornings I’ve risen early enough to start my day with a 20-minute yoga session and chosen John 5:19 to meditate on:

“The Son does nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing; for whatever he does, that the Son does likewise.”

 I’ve also been repeating this scripture when I find a pause in the day such as on my drive to and from work, in between projects at the desk, when I’m pumping milk for baby Benjamin (hey, I can't do anything else but stare at the wall), when I take a sip of water or coffee. I'm enjoying this probably because it gives me a sense of accomplishment. But I really want to receive only what God has for me. Not a false sense of righteousness. I'm doubtful of my feelings and motivation. I am doubtful of my ability to continue this. It's so easy to pat myself on the back.

But I'm thankful that something has stuck with me these past 2 days. I keep thinking and praying, "God, what are you doing that I should see? Help me to see what you're doing so that I may do likewise." It's something to draw me closer and keep my eyes open.

My First Thoughts

Written November 29, the day of my bathroom revelation.

My habits. I can't break them until I first notice them. They must be identified or admitted and then unpracticed. It's so hard because the habit must be deliberately not done. It's like seeing someone you know on the street, stopping, staring at them in the eye for more than a second and then walking away. You stare at them long enough to experience the emotion tied to that person. Long enough to identify what is happening inside your head when you think of them. It's a direct acknowledgment and then a deliberate decision of the heart, mind and body to say no. It hurts because it's an experience of the entire being. Not like jumping off a cliff into water before you have time to think about it. Instead it's like waiting as long as it takes to gain full realization of what you're about to do. Those seconds or minutes can be intense. But that experience is necessary in order to gain self-control and discipline. Because only then will you remember why you made those decisions and not turn back later on.

My habits need named. I need to point my finger and stare at them. Show me my habits, Lord. Don't let me be unknowingly (or even knowingly) ruled by them. Only by your grace is this possible. Only by your grace do I attempt this journey.

I now understand better why fasting is important. It's the chance for the mind and body to fully realize what it is so used to and what it can do without. It's realizing that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. He is our bread and it takes time to realize and surrender our habit of dependency and consumption.

December 1

My idols are occupation and sensation. I prefer to serve or indulge in both at the same time. I am temporarily satisfied if I have something to be occupied by that also stirs some sort of feeling inside me. That's why it's hard to sit and do nothing, or even do something that is mundane or ordinary. When I eat breakfast it is just a task. So I read something while I eat and I am satisfied. When I do house chores I like music to stimulate me. When I'm working at the desk I prefer to have a cup of coffee or tea because it feels more special and provides a warm sensation. These are not bad preferences or evil actions at all. But I have become slave to my habits. I become irritable or depressed if I lack a task or am without feeling or excitement. This is not freedom. And in this state I cannot hear God's voice. I can't grow because I'm always looking for something more. Productivity often becomes lord.

I need to change and break my habits so I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind. This is a new journey for me. I am learning how to take this journey from Richard Foster. His insights in Celebration of Discipline have spoken to a place in me that has been hungry for the traditions of saints and the structure that my generation (and maybe several generations back) have lacked in our faith. My realization of this has been slow, but I've noticed it in others as well. There is a movement that reaches for discipline and traditions of the old. I read the first five chapters of Foster's book then stopped for a couple of weeks. I've known for some time that I lack discipline. I pray when I feel like it, read the Bible when I'm inspired or desperately need a word from God. But Foster teaches that the importance of the disciplines (meditation, prayer, fasting, study, simplicity, solitude, submission, service, confession, worship, guidance, celebration) is that they are a path on which transformation and righteousness can occur. I cannot make transformation and righteousness in myself because they are a gift from God. "The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that he can transform us," (chapter 1).

And that is why I want to practice the spiritual disciplines. I want to grow closer to God and be changed to His likeness.

James 4:8
"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you."

Bathroom Revelation

I really needed a shower. But not just because it had been more than 24 hours since my last one, but because I felt irritated, bitter, and my whole insides were bubbling with disappointment. Unfortunately Fortunately I have a horrible memory, and I have no recollection of what it was all about. All I remember is feeling trapped in myself; sick of what I demand of myself and the ways I cope with...anything. Something drove me to the bathroom which is a wonderful, sometimes the only place to retreat to. A perfect place to be cleansed of myself. To make a long story blog-length, I ended up breaking down in tears and having a huge realization that I need a major change on the inside. I need to be closer to God, and I need his grace to be rid of selfishness and discontentment. And one thing became very clear: I need discipline. And not just any discipline, but the ancient spiritual disciplines.


Two weeks ago I read the first five chapters of Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline - The Path to Spiritual Growth and it stirred in me a hunger to not just read about it but experience it fully. In fact this hunger has been there for a few years now but I've been waiting for the experience to drop in my lap. After my shower experience I decided to start the book over and keep a journal as I learn the disciplines. My first entry took a couple of days as I reflected on my realization and tried to imagine what these next chapters of my life might look like. I read the first chapter again and was stunned by how exactly it spoke to my personal life. My next post will be that first journal entry and then I will begin chapter two, The Discipline of Meditation. Perhaps a blog will encourage me to follow through with this journey and not become lazy in my pursuit.

Lord, let this be a journey led by you. I will seek your face and meet you.