Lent

Since I'm on a blog sabbatical for the time being, here is a fitting post from my friend, Mary, on her hopes for Lent.

http://strangecapers.blogspot.com/2012/02/lent.html

Sunday Notes

Notes from a Sunday sermon.

ASK.
"Humble persistance is what will transform your heart and mind to be more prayerful.
 - Pastor Kevin

SEEK.
When prayer and movement go hand in hand, the reality of the kingdom begins to happen around us.

Just begin moving.

KNOCK.
Faith.

Being a disciple of Jesus is not a reasonable thing to do. But it's radical and beautiful. Be persistent in your faith.

Prayer | My One Wild Word

I have been practicing a way of prayer I learned from Jan Richardson's book In the Sanctuary of Women. She calls it One Wild Word. She asks God for one word that comes from her deepest of longings when she can't' seem to find the words to pray.

I tried it on a work day last week and searched for my deepest longing to pray from throughout the day. I came up with "Forward." But I realize now it was a word that came from my personal addiction to productivity. I tried to justify that prayer by telling myself, "I want to move forward in my walk with God." It's a silly prayer really because it's not like we can move backwards ever, even when it seems like it. We're always, always moving forward in some way. Learning, experiencing, trying again. I lost track of that "Forward" prayer anyway as I got busy with my tasks and responsibilities.

So yesterday I stopped searching for my word and just asked for it. Communion. It seemed so simple but it brought tears to my eyes because it's what I long for in every way. Communion with God, first and foremost. Communion with my husband, my sons. Communion with my friends and coworkers and with the people I communicate with through my work. It's what I long for other people as well...that they experience community in some amazing way. It's what brings joy and fulfillment and what sharpens us and changes us.

The more I realized what this word meant to me the more I was able to pray it fervently and honestly. And I remembered it. It was what came to my mind every time I started to feel something throughout the day. I felt hurt by something Shane said. Communion. I felt regret for words I said. Communion. I felt embarrassed by my childish tendencies. Communion. I felt joy for my sister's new start in a new home. Communion. I felt a desire for a home of our own someday. Communion. I felt affection and pride for my adorable little boys. Communion. I felt excitement for seeing friends we haven't seen in months. Communion. I enjoyed hot cider and a fire on a chilly night. Communion. I felt relief when laughter healed wounds. Communion.

It was a word-companion throughout the day, and the Holy Spirit knew every meaning and desire behind that word. It was a new day for me because I experienced the discipline of prayer not as a discipline really at all. It was so natural and fulfilling as I experienced each segment of the day to its fullest. It was of way of drawing near to God that wasn't hard for me. I felt like a child on God's knee throwing fits, feeling confused, being safe, glad and thankful. It was not always happy, but I wasn't alone.

When you wake up, ask God for one word to carry through your day. And when you sense a change in the moment of any kind, good or bad, say a prayer with that word. See what it teaches you and how it centers you.

Prayer | Days 33-41

My coworker shared this poem with my department on Tuesday that seemed to go along well with this blog and what I'm learning/working on. I can't forget why I'm on this journey in the first place. It isn't so I fully understand the disciplines and perfect them. I just want to deny my self-serving and unhealthy habits that only push me away from God.

I'd like to end the prayer section of this blog reflecting on a few key points I've learned about prayer.

• Foster advises to not make prayer complicated but to come to the Lord as a child to her Father in honesty and humility. Seeing prayer this way gives me peace.
• Pray for others. All the time. God's compassion in us drives us in prayer. Foster says if we dread praying for someone then don't. He will give the assignment to someone else with compassion for the person or circumstance. We are not necessarily called to pray for every thing that is before us that needs prayer. I recently felt an overwhelming amount of emotion when reconnecting with an old friend and looking through her online photos. I felt so much a desire to pray for her, so I did. When I shared this with her in an email she messaged me back with a piece of wisdom I have never heard: "Let the emotions flow like tears. Intercession doesn't always mean there is a great need to address but it also means there is a great and deep communion to be had."
• What she said is exactly what I had been realizing about prayer. Prayer is communion. It changes lives and circumstances, but mostly it changes us because we are in communion with our heavenly Father.

Prayer | Days 19-32

I am slow to put my goals into practice. I am slow to accomplish items on any to-do list unless it is easy or quick. That being said, I've barely scratched the surface of my goals listed in the last blog (I at least have a prayer box now) and feel like I've only dipped a toe in the ocean of disciplined prayer. I might take Richard Foster's suggestion of reading a whole other book on prayer because there is too much to fit into his one chapter. Perhaps I should do my own Scriptural study on prayer. Honestly, I don't really want to and it seems kind of silly to some extent.

I guess what bugs me about the exploration of prayer (whether my own exploration or someone else's) is that it can turn into such an intense separate subject that it detracts from the key message/goal which is God Himself. I don't want to study prayer. I want to draw closer to God and know Him more. Prayer is just a way of doing that and seems simple enough without having to study it, for crying out loud. Jesus' example of prayer is so perfectly simple and all encompassing ("Our Father who art in heaven..."). Yet, He spoke with God so regularly I would hardly call it prayer. I would call it communion. Is that what prayer is? Then why is it important for me to make prayer a distinct discipline when it should be a common integrated part of my life? In my mind, prayer should not even be a word. Communion makes most sense. It's what takes place when two come together and converse. A lack of conversation is almost impossible with my husband on a daily basis. So shouldn't a lack of conversation be almost impossible with the God who lives inside me? The times when I lack conversation with my husband is when we are on bad terms with one another. We don't desire to be with one another when we've hurt or misunderstood each other. Thankfully God does not do wrong or misunderstand me. It's a one-sided issue when there is an issue. Which means I have the ability to draw near again to him when I confess and submit. And if confession and submission are daily then I stay in communion.

Communion. When I think of prayer in this way, I desire it. I see God sitting with me as I thank Him for the meal. I feel His arm around me when I cry in despair for a hurt loved one. I see Him nod in understanding when I'm frustrated with violence and injustice.

God, I long to experience communion with you all day every day. Help me to never face an hour without speaking and listening to you. You ARE near. I just sometimes forget You're with me and walk away from You. Please help me remember. Brand Yourself on my heart so I know forever I'm Yours.
 __________________

A side note: I unplugged our TV for Lent. My days feel suddenly longer and I'm playing with more toys and reading more books and washing more dishes. :)


Another side note: I think I've made small forward steps in my communion with God. I'm asking for guidance more before I pray. I love the practice of listening to Him before jumping into prayer.

Prayer | Days 11-18

I see a need for prayer to become more consistent in my life as opposed to just something I do when I have an emotional urge/need. There are a couple things that have come to mind that I want to try in order to draw near to God in prayer, hear His voice and see His power.

1. Keep a box of prayer requests (my own and others'). Pray daily for these items/people.

2. Practice listening to God when I pray. Practice asking for guidance in my prayers.

3. Find a new copy of The Power of a Praying Wife and begin to pray regularly for my husband. I gave my previous copy to my sister. I was skeptical at first, but it is an incredible book that changed how I prayed for my husband and it provides Scripture to assist in praying for different areas of his life. I love praying with Scripture.

Prayer | Days 1-10

Upon finishing Foster's chapter on prayer I realized how many aspects of prayer he touched on. It seemed too simple and like he had a lot more to say but didn't have the space. I'm re-skimming the chapter because I felt like I barely grasped what he was saying. I also started writing this blog 7 days ago and it just didn't work. And then another 3 days ago. Again, I wasn't seeing a common theme to my thoughts. I was skipping around to all the major points Foster made on prayer and couldn't settle on what it was I needed to grasp. There was too much and not enough.

I love prayer and feel like God's power has been revealed to me and those close to me numerous times through prayer. I feel as if He stands next to me when I pray and my faith is somehow strengthened through prayer. Foster hit it on the nose when he says that "To pray is to change. Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us." When I look back on my life, I see this is true. It was while in prayer, through the testimony of another's prayer or in answered prayer that God made the biggest changes in me. So I pray not to receive, but to change so that I may work with God in his will. Once my will is changed to His, I then can pray rightly.

A particular thought in this chapter stood out to me about praying for others with expectation. In Foster's personal study of prayer he found that no where in the Bible did Christ or any of the apostles or prophets say at the end of their prayers, "If it be Thy will." They seemed to pray with assurance that they knew God's will when praying for others. They were so in tune with the workings of the Holy Spirit that when they encountered a need in someone they knew what it was they could boldly ask the Lord for.

Sounds amazing. I am sometimes too quick to pray and see a need in myself to learn to quiet my flesh and listen first for what God is doing. When I ask I do not want to ask in doubt, but with assurance. But I don't think I can do that unless I know I'm listening to God or am in tune with His movement. I feel God calling me to a deeper place with Him. In fact I've felt Him calling me there for a long time. It's a place where I am in constant communion with him and I leave my whole self behind as I walk with Him moment by moment. It seems impossible to me and my mind so easily strays that I doubt I can ever submit to that extent. Only He can change me and make me a person of stillness and focus. I've experienced one day in my life where I felt that closeness of walking with Him and it was enough to make me want that forever. It was a true miracle for my mind to be so still and connected with His movements at the young age of 16. I woke up and new something was different. I knew God was asking me to be quiet and listen to Him. I don't know how I did except that He asked it of me and I agreed. Maybe it is that simple.

This discipline of prayer is a little more intimidating of a discipline than meditation. And there are no clear specific ways to practice it. I think it's a different learning experience for everyone and for me I sense God calling me to listen and be still before I ask. And I also see a need to pray more for others throughout the day in my encounters. I am excited about what God teaches me about prayer.

Meditation | Days 63-70

Amazing how my ears open and my heart becomes increasingly receptive when a major decision is at hand. I'm suddenly waiting, listening, eager for God's voice. God speak. I am too afraid to be anywhere but by your side.

I read to Oliver last night the story of Elijah who ran away to Mt. Sinai seeking God's voice. He experienced God's power in an earthquake and a storm...but he finally heard God's voice in the stillness.

If I can learn to put the same weight on small decisions as I do on big ones I will learn to listen every day, every moment for God's voice and watch for His movement. He is not dormant when days are normal or easy. What if my choice of a route to work tomorrow is just as important as buying a house? Can I learn to listen all the time? It seems impossible right now with the kind of scattered brain I sometimes have.

But now I am experiencing that it is possible to listen and meditate intensely even with my brain. I can write a blog, shop for groceries, feed my baby, eat dinner, watch a television show AND pray/hear/feel God. I am drawing near in the midst of normal life and I feel that He has drawn nearer to me. I'm amazed.



I think I will start my chapter of prayer and see how it adds to what I've learned about meditation so far.

Mediation | Days 38-47

This discipline has passed the honeymoon stage and I'm back to meditating only when I feel like it. I've been finding moments here and there to read the Celtic prayers. But even then, I just read them and don't pause to reflect or let the words sink in. I'm getting lazy. But it's not like it should be easy. It's too bad that meditating doesn't come more naturally to me. I find myself wanting to withdraw to a place where I don't have to think. Every day is full of thinking and in the mornings, on my breaks and before bed I just want my brain to stop. I have it in my head that meditating is like thinking. But maybe it doesn't have to be. Maybe it's just listening quietly, or allowing a word or image to float around my head. Even that doesn't sound like that much fun. I would rather my mind be filled without my having to think. I would rather read. Or browse online. Because it fills my mind and I hardly have to do a thing. But to just sit and let my head be empty or just partially full sounds uncomfortable to me. Or boring. There is my idol of occupation. Can I give it up? Is it too scary to let my mind sit empty in submission to God? What will He say to me? My fear is that He will say nothing and I will sit there unnoticed.

There it is.

My fear of being forgotten or ignored. It goes way back. I've been ignored. I am boring enough to just disappear into the background. I feel uninteresting and unimportant. I have found ways to get noticed in my life. They were temporarily satisfying.

Perhaps the reason I don't find meditating appealing is because I'm afraid nothing will come of it. That I won't receive a single moment of revelation or blessing. It's a selfish way to view meditation. Where is my desire to just be with God no matter what He gives me? It's a small desire, if I even have it. I've experienced that desire in fleeting moments of worship...and in the shower with tears of repentance.

Richard Foster has given me the advice before to ask for the desire to meditate. I'm going to keep on asking. "Ask and it shall be given."


On a side note: I would like to experience lent and give something up this year. Last year I gave up radio in the car (it was an obsession) and learned to be still and listen on my commute. It created in me a hesitation to turn it on, which is a miracle. Lord, what would you have me give up this year? Maybe there is a small way to give up my idol of occupation.

Meditation | Days 31-37

As I was reciting the Lord's Prayer, two thoughts came to mind that are unrelated to the prayer, but related to what was really occupying my mind. 1.) I want to see God's beauty in my work. I want my design to reflect him. 2.) How do super minor details in life have meaning? Does God care about minuscule issues that probably won't matter in a decade and really won't affect anyone? Perhaps he uses those little things in ways we won't ever know; particularly to change us.

I've been obsessing for some hours now about a color palette for the organization I work for, and I seriously need a good conclusion rather quickly. I can't keep obsessing. It's wasting precious time. I decided to pray instead of just staying frustrated and that's when I realized that this little thing may in some way have eternal value. Maybe this process I'm going through will somehow bring me closer to Christ's likeness. Maybe not. But I will stop caring completely about these colors and how I use them if I don't see some sort of purpose in even thinking about it. Why do I care??? Why does this really matter? I care because I want to do my job excellently. Even if I don't carry these colors with me to heaven, and they may not change anyone's life, I care because I don't want to stop caring about how I do the work that is set before me. I might obsess just a little more, but I will seek God in the conquest for the right way to accomplish this little task.

A couple lines from the Celtic Office Midday Prayer:

"Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us.
Establish Thou the work of our hands;
establish Thou the work of our hands."

"Let nothing disturb thee,
nothing affright thee;
all things are passing,
God never changeth!
Patient endurance attaineth to all things;
who God possesseth
in nothing is wanting;
alone God sufficeth."

Meditation | Days 22 & 23

I found a treasure. Amazingly, I came across a really useful tool that I think I'll start using to help with a routine in my meditation. I was doing a Google search for something (I can't remember what) and came across a blog that was talking about prayer and meditation. The blog cited a prayer from what is called the Celtic Daily Prayer Office. I've been doing a little research on its origins: Northumbria Community which "describes a network of hugely diverse people, from different backgrounds, streams and edges of the Christian faith," that is "Inspired by, drawing from, and living in the spiritual tradition of monasticism." Part of their website provides the morning, midday and evening prayers and meditations of the Celtic Daily Prayer Office that this community of believers recite together. It also has a link to scriptures and meditation for each day of the month. I love it! The prayers are taken right from Scripture and remind me very much of the creeds used in liturgical churches. And the meditations come from non-scriptural writings/poems/songs. I watched a video of the two men who I think started this "unplanned, spontaneous" community (in the 70's I think). One thing that stood out to me from their video was what they said about liturgy. It was something to the effect that what is beautiful about liturgy is that it is with you in the darkest of times. This is why I'm so drawn to liturgy. It provides consistency when life is unpredictable and difficult, and you don't know how else to be with God or communicate with Him. Too bad most of these communities are in Northumbria (northern part of England, south Scotland) because I would LOVE to go study and experience their style of meditation and community.

Yesterday was my first day with these prayers and I'm so thankful to have something other than yoga and the palms down/palms up meditation to try. If you're interested in reading these daily prayers, scriptures and meditations go here. I'll leave with a beautiful poem I read in this morning's meditation.

SARANAM (REFUGE)
Receive our thanks
for night and day,
for food and shelter,
rest and play.
Be here our guest,
and with us stay,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

For this small earth
of sea and land,
for this small space
on which we stand,
for those we touch
with heart and hand,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

In the midst of foes
I cry to Thee,
from the ends of earth,
wherever I may be,
My strength in helplessness,
oh, answer me!
saranam, saranam, saranam.

Make my heart to grow
as great as Thine,
so through my hurt
Your love may shine,
my love be Yours,
Your love be mine,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

For those who've gone,
for those who stay,
for those to come,
following the Way,
be guest and guide
both night and day,
saranam, saranam, saranam.