Study | Days 1-2

I skipped the chapter of fasting because I am a nursing mother and should not practice that discipline until Benjamin is no longer relying on me for calories and nutrients. I'm relieved, to be honest. I am not that interested in fasting. But I sense that God wants me to experience it and some day I'll go there.

Yesterday I started Foster's chapter on Study. About a week ago Shane challenged me to memorize the book of James. It was mostly to practice memorization than it was to be spiritual. I have a dreadful memory and it sometimes results in messy situations. Forgetting to return an important phonecall. Forgetting to pay a bill. Forgetting a project deadline. I have a decent short-term memory. I would get A's on tests in school because I could memorize all the content the night before. But final exams weren't so great because I didn't retain information throughout the semester. I think I might take on Shane's challenge, but also practice the discipline of study in the fashion that Richard Foster suggests.

He says there are four steps to this discipline.

1. Repitition
2. Concentration
3. Reflection
4. Comprehension

I'm good at repitition. It's almost mindless and I can do that while focusing my attention elsewhere. Concentration I'm good at when I want to be. But I don't practice it unless I have to. Reflection is something I usually only come to when my emotions drive me there. If I feel something strongly enough, or I'm experiencing something that is deeply affecting me, I enjoy taking time to reflect (...and even write a blog about those reflections!).

Comprehension hurts. At least it does when I try hard enough to obtain comprehension. It's like my mind struggles to wrap entirely around a subject. I start battling all other possibilities and questioning whether or not I really comprehended the subject, or if it is even possible to get it. I prefer a "eureka" moment when I suddenly understand and it all makes sense in a natural and exciting way. It's much less exhausting than striving toward comprehension. I'm not saying I don't strive, because some things I want to get. If it's important enough to me I'll strive. But studying just because I know it's good for me. Makes me want to go take a nap just thinking about it.

So I guess the habit that needs broken is laziness. I don't mind admitting that. Because if I can stare laziness in the face and see how ugly and broken it can make a situation, then I'll stand a chance of conquering this habit. Get thee behind me!

The book of James better be at least somewhat exciting. I can't remember if it is...

Meditation | Days 16 & 17

The snooze button has become my enemy this week. I haven't done any yoga because I'm rushing to make it to work on time. My mornings have been without meditation. So I've been trying to squeeze it in on breaks at work. They're little psuedo-prayers here and there, which completely defeats the purpose of meditation altogether. Meditation is pausing in the day to think on God and listen to Him (at least for those of us who haven't mastered meditation while working/doing). I haven't been pausing. The conscious effort is there...I want to pause. But I don't think I have time or that it's important enough to stop. In my opinion, however, meditation should not be on a strict schedule so much that it becomes another task to rule me. I just have to remind myself why I'm making a discipline of it: to draw closer to God. And if that desire really is there, then I will meet him. Sometimes it's a small, small desire. And sometimes I have a bigger desire to sleep or finish a project. Lord, help my first desire to be yours.

The verse Psalm 37:4 comes to mind:

"Delight yourself in the LORD;
         And He will give you the desires of your heart."

And I see Him giving me desires as a gift. Not desires that already exist in my heart. But brand new desires. Lord, make Yourself my true delight.

Meditation | Days 1 & 2

The first inward spiritual discipline that Foster writes about is meditation. I’ve decided to explore this in two ways: Yoga and Scripture. The last two mornings I’ve risen early enough to start my day with a 20-minute yoga session and chosen John 5:19 to meditate on:

“The Son does nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing; for whatever he does, that the Son does likewise.”

 I’ve also been repeating this scripture when I find a pause in the day such as on my drive to and from work, in between projects at the desk, when I’m pumping milk for baby Benjamin (hey, I can't do anything else but stare at the wall), when I take a sip of water or coffee. I'm enjoying this probably because it gives me a sense of accomplishment. But I really want to receive only what God has for me. Not a false sense of righteousness. I'm doubtful of my feelings and motivation. I am doubtful of my ability to continue this. It's so easy to pat myself on the back.

But I'm thankful that something has stuck with me these past 2 days. I keep thinking and praying, "God, what are you doing that I should see? Help me to see what you're doing so that I may do likewise." It's something to draw me closer and keep my eyes open.