Prayer | Days 19-32

I am slow to put my goals into practice. I am slow to accomplish items on any to-do list unless it is easy or quick. That being said, I've barely scratched the surface of my goals listed in the last blog (I at least have a prayer box now) and feel like I've only dipped a toe in the ocean of disciplined prayer. I might take Richard Foster's suggestion of reading a whole other book on prayer because there is too much to fit into his one chapter. Perhaps I should do my own Scriptural study on prayer. Honestly, I don't really want to and it seems kind of silly to some extent.

I guess what bugs me about the exploration of prayer (whether my own exploration or someone else's) is that it can turn into such an intense separate subject that it detracts from the key message/goal which is God Himself. I don't want to study prayer. I want to draw closer to God and know Him more. Prayer is just a way of doing that and seems simple enough without having to study it, for crying out loud. Jesus' example of prayer is so perfectly simple and all encompassing ("Our Father who art in heaven..."). Yet, He spoke with God so regularly I would hardly call it prayer. I would call it communion. Is that what prayer is? Then why is it important for me to make prayer a distinct discipline when it should be a common integrated part of my life? In my mind, prayer should not even be a word. Communion makes most sense. It's what takes place when two come together and converse. A lack of conversation is almost impossible with my husband on a daily basis. So shouldn't a lack of conversation be almost impossible with the God who lives inside me? The times when I lack conversation with my husband is when we are on bad terms with one another. We don't desire to be with one another when we've hurt or misunderstood each other. Thankfully God does not do wrong or misunderstand me. It's a one-sided issue when there is an issue. Which means I have the ability to draw near again to him when I confess and submit. And if confession and submission are daily then I stay in communion.

Communion. When I think of prayer in this way, I desire it. I see God sitting with me as I thank Him for the meal. I feel His arm around me when I cry in despair for a hurt loved one. I see Him nod in understanding when I'm frustrated with violence and injustice.

God, I long to experience communion with you all day every day. Help me to never face an hour without speaking and listening to you. You ARE near. I just sometimes forget You're with me and walk away from You. Please help me remember. Brand Yourself on my heart so I know forever I'm Yours.
 __________________

A side note: I unplugged our TV for Lent. My days feel suddenly longer and I'm playing with more toys and reading more books and washing more dishes. :)


Another side note: I think I've made small forward steps in my communion with God. I'm asking for guidance more before I pray. I love the practice of listening to Him before jumping into prayer.

Meditation | Days 48-62

I've finally started asking questions about what meditation looks like to me personally instead of trying to fit to a template of discipline. It was good to have basic direction on where to begin and it was nice learning different practices to try when I'm at a loss of how to draw near to God in meditation. But I realized that my expectations and disappointments were my own and not God's. It has been very hard to try to find even a small amount of quiet time in my day. Though I think quietness is important, I believe God is wanting more than a chunk of my day.

At the beginning of this search I was motivated to get up in the morning...but mostly to do yoga. These last couple of weeks my lack of sleep has caught up with me. I'm lucky to get a shower in the morning because I'm so groggy I end up turning off my alarm without realizing it. I still do a small reflection on break at work with the Celtic Daily Office. I look forward to that pause. When I come home I am thrown into playing toys with Oliver, making changes on freelance projects, feeding Benjamin, and snuggles on the couch. I have been going to bed way too late as it is and fall asleep thinking, "maybe I have time to talk to God now..."

But this morning I'm letting go of my expectations (I kind of have to as I type this with Benjamin on my lap and Oliver squeezed into the chair with me). I'm going to attempt meditation in the now. I'm going to look for God in the activity in the day and practice awareness. If God gives me quietness, I'll relish it. But my life is packed with noise and I want to see what God is doing in the midst of it all. He's not sitting in a closet waiting for me to come visit Him. He's making dinner with me, showing me his ideas for the next design project, giving me words to encourage a friend, teaching me patience as I deal with conflict. I want to meditate in the moment and not try to find a moment before I meditate.

Meditation | Day 3, 4 & 5

I succeeded in 4 straight days of yoga and meditation. Foster says in his meditation chapter that it's easy for us to associate meditation with the Eastern meditation practices we hear about, but the Christian practice is quite different. The goal of Eastern meditation is to empty mind and your whole self. But the goal of Christian meditation is to first empty yourself and then allow God to fill your mind and heart. This is all paraphrased of course. I don't have his book in front of me.

I've been using online videos and sometimes it isn't easy to meditate on scripture when you're listening to an instructor that is encouraging you to free your mind of thoughts, release your worries, etc. Yoga is not the best way for me to meditate. But it's good practice for repeating scripture in the midst of activity. If I can gain the habit of keeping God at the forefront of my mind while exercising, working and playing, then Yoga will be worth it. But I want to learn meditation apart from yoga. The sitting quiet and still kind. Morning is not a good time for me at this point because my mind is so foggy that I fail to keep concentration and am tempted to fall back asleep. But I can see how quiet meditation might be very helpful at the end of the day before bed. So tonight, Day 5, will be my first try at silent, still meditation. I'm not sure what I will meditate on or use to help guide my thoughts. Foster encourages the imagination. Perhaps I will find a beautiful, peaceful place of nature in my mind to meet with God one on one.

I skipped yoga today since my mother-in-law and sister-in-law stayed the night. My living room was occupied and I didn't want to do yoga with people watching me. That's a little different than having the early morning to yourself or even taking a class. Now, if they would have joined me I wouldn't have minded. Maybe I should have asked! Maybe I'll resume yoga tomorrow.

Another scripture I meditated on during yoga this week: Galations 5:24 "Now those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

Bathroom Revelation

I really needed a shower. But not just because it had been more than 24 hours since my last one, but because I felt irritated, bitter, and my whole insides were bubbling with disappointment. Unfortunately Fortunately I have a horrible memory, and I have no recollection of what it was all about. All I remember is feeling trapped in myself; sick of what I demand of myself and the ways I cope with...anything. Something drove me to the bathroom which is a wonderful, sometimes the only place to retreat to. A perfect place to be cleansed of myself. To make a long story blog-length, I ended up breaking down in tears and having a huge realization that I need a major change on the inside. I need to be closer to God, and I need his grace to be rid of selfishness and discontentment. And one thing became very clear: I need discipline. And not just any discipline, but the ancient spiritual disciplines.


Two weeks ago I read the first five chapters of Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline - The Path to Spiritual Growth and it stirred in me a hunger to not just read about it but experience it fully. In fact this hunger has been there for a few years now but I've been waiting for the experience to drop in my lap. After my shower experience I decided to start the book over and keep a journal as I learn the disciplines. My first entry took a couple of days as I reflected on my realization and tried to imagine what these next chapters of my life might look like. I read the first chapter again and was stunned by how exactly it spoke to my personal life. My next post will be that first journal entry and then I will begin chapter two, The Discipline of Meditation. Perhaps a blog will encourage me to follow through with this journey and not become lazy in my pursuit.

Lord, let this be a journey led by you. I will seek your face and meet you.