This discipline has passed the honeymoon stage and I'm back to meditating only when I feel like it. I've been finding moments here and there to read the Celtic prayers. But even then, I just read them and don't pause to reflect or let the words sink in. I'm getting lazy. But it's not like it should be easy. It's too bad that meditating doesn't come more naturally to me. I find myself wanting to withdraw to a place where I don't have to think. Every day is full of thinking and in the mornings, on my breaks and before bed I just want my brain to stop. I have it in my head that meditating is like thinking. But maybe it doesn't have to be. Maybe it's just listening quietly, or allowing a word or image to float around my head. Even that doesn't sound like that much fun. I would rather my mind be filled without my having to think. I would rather read. Or browse online. Because it fills my mind and I hardly have to do a thing. But to just sit and let my head be empty or just partially full sounds uncomfortable to me. Or boring. There is my idol of occupation. Can I give it up? Is it too scary to let my mind sit empty in submission to God? What will He say to me? My fear is that He will say nothing and I will sit there unnoticed.
There it is.
My fear of being forgotten or ignored. It goes way back. I've been ignored. I am boring enough to just disappear into the background. I feel uninteresting and unimportant. I have found ways to get noticed in my life. They were temporarily satisfying.
Perhaps the reason I don't find meditating appealing is because I'm afraid nothing will come of it. That I won't receive a single moment of revelation or blessing. It's a selfish way to view meditation. Where is my desire to just be with God no matter what He gives me? It's a small desire, if I even have it. I've experienced that desire in fleeting moments of worship...and in the shower with tears of repentance.
Richard Foster has given me the advice before to ask for the desire to meditate. I'm going to keep on asking. "Ask and it shall be given."
On a side note: I would like to experience lent and give something up this year. Last year I gave up radio in the car (it was an obsession) and learned to be still and listen on my commute. It created in me a hesitation to turn it on, which is a miracle. Lord, what would you have me give up this year? Maybe there is a small way to give up my idol of occupation.
Showing posts with label idols. Show all posts
Showing posts with label idols. Show all posts
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Monday, December 6, 2010
My First Thoughts
Written November 29, the day of my bathroom revelation.
My habits. I can't break them until I first notice them. They must be identified or admitted and then unpracticed. It's so hard because the habit must be deliberately not done. It's like seeing someone you know on the street, stopping, staring at them in the eye for more than a second and then walking away. You stare at them long enough to experience the emotion tied to that person. Long enough to identify what is happening inside your head when you think of them. It's a direct acknowledgment and then a deliberate decision of the heart, mind and body to say no. It hurts because it's an experience of the entire being. Not like jumping off a cliff into water before you have time to think about it. Instead it's like waiting as long as it takes to gain full realization of what you're about to do. Those seconds or minutes can be intense. But that experience is necessary in order to gain self-control and discipline. Because only then will you remember why you made those decisions and not turn back later on.
My habits need named. I need to point my finger and stare at them. Show me my habits, Lord. Don't let me be unknowingly (or even knowingly) ruled by them. Only by your grace is this possible. Only by your grace do I attempt this journey.
I now understand better why fasting is important. It's the chance for the mind and body to fully realize what it is so used to and what it can do without. It's realizing that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. He is our bread and it takes time to realize and surrender our habit of dependency and consumption.
December 1
My idols are occupation and sensation. I prefer to serve or indulge in both at the same time. I am temporarily satisfied if I have something to be occupied by that also stirs some sort of feeling inside me. That's why it's hard to sit and do nothing, or even do something that is mundane or ordinary. When I eat breakfast it is just a task. So I read something while I eat and I am satisfied. When I do house chores I like music to stimulate me. When I'm working at the desk I prefer to have a cup of coffee or tea because it feels more special and provides a warm sensation. These are not bad preferences or evil actions at all. But I have become slave to my habits. I become irritable or depressed if I lack a task or am without feeling or excitement. This is not freedom. And in this state I cannot hear God's voice. I can't grow because I'm always looking for something more. Productivity often becomes lord.
I need to change and break my habits so I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind. This is a new journey for me. I am learning how to take this journey from Richard Foster. His insights in Celebration of Discipline have spoken to a place in me that has been hungry for the traditions of saints and the structure that my generation (and maybe several generations back) have lacked in our faith. My realization of this has been slow, but I've noticed it in others as well. There is a movement that reaches for discipline and traditions of the old. I read the first five chapters of Foster's book then stopped for a couple of weeks. I've known for some time that I lack discipline. I pray when I feel like it, read the Bible when I'm inspired or desperately need a word from God. But Foster teaches that the importance of the disciplines (meditation, prayer, fasting, study, simplicity, solitude, submission, service, confession, worship, guidance, celebration) is that they are a path on which transformation and righteousness can occur. I cannot make transformation and righteousness in myself because they are a gift from God. "The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that he can transform us," (chapter 1).
And that is why I want to practice the spiritual disciplines. I want to grow closer to God and be changed to His likeness.
James 4:8
"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you."
My habits. I can't break them until I first notice them. They must be identified or admitted and then unpracticed. It's so hard because the habit must be deliberately not done. It's like seeing someone you know on the street, stopping, staring at them in the eye for more than a second and then walking away. You stare at them long enough to experience the emotion tied to that person. Long enough to identify what is happening inside your head when you think of them. It's a direct acknowledgment and then a deliberate decision of the heart, mind and body to say no. It hurts because it's an experience of the entire being. Not like jumping off a cliff into water before you have time to think about it. Instead it's like waiting as long as it takes to gain full realization of what you're about to do. Those seconds or minutes can be intense. But that experience is necessary in order to gain self-control and discipline. Because only then will you remember why you made those decisions and not turn back later on.
My habits need named. I need to point my finger and stare at them. Show me my habits, Lord. Don't let me be unknowingly (or even knowingly) ruled by them. Only by your grace is this possible. Only by your grace do I attempt this journey.
I now understand better why fasting is important. It's the chance for the mind and body to fully realize what it is so used to and what it can do without. It's realizing that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. He is our bread and it takes time to realize and surrender our habit of dependency and consumption.
December 1
My idols are occupation and sensation. I prefer to serve or indulge in both at the same time. I am temporarily satisfied if I have something to be occupied by that also stirs some sort of feeling inside me. That's why it's hard to sit and do nothing, or even do something that is mundane or ordinary. When I eat breakfast it is just a task. So I read something while I eat and I am satisfied. When I do house chores I like music to stimulate me. When I'm working at the desk I prefer to have a cup of coffee or tea because it feels more special and provides a warm sensation. These are not bad preferences or evil actions at all. But I have become slave to my habits. I become irritable or depressed if I lack a task or am without feeling or excitement. This is not freedom. And in this state I cannot hear God's voice. I can't grow because I'm always looking for something more. Productivity often becomes lord.
I need to change and break my habits so I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind. This is a new journey for me. I am learning how to take this journey from Richard Foster. His insights in Celebration of Discipline have spoken to a place in me that has been hungry for the traditions of saints and the structure that my generation (and maybe several generations back) have lacked in our faith. My realization of this has been slow, but I've noticed it in others as well. There is a movement that reaches for discipline and traditions of the old. I read the first five chapters of Foster's book then stopped for a couple of weeks. I've known for some time that I lack discipline. I pray when I feel like it, read the Bible when I'm inspired or desperately need a word from God. But Foster teaches that the importance of the disciplines (meditation, prayer, fasting, study, simplicity, solitude, submission, service, confession, worship, guidance, celebration) is that they are a path on which transformation and righteousness can occur. I cannot make transformation and righteousness in myself because they are a gift from God. "The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that he can transform us," (chapter 1).
And that is why I want to practice the spiritual disciplines. I want to grow closer to God and be changed to His likeness.
James 4:8
"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you."
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