My First Thoughts

Written November 29, the day of my bathroom revelation.

My habits. I can't break them until I first notice them. They must be identified or admitted and then unpracticed. It's so hard because the habit must be deliberately not done. It's like seeing someone you know on the street, stopping, staring at them in the eye for more than a second and then walking away. You stare at them long enough to experience the emotion tied to that person. Long enough to identify what is happening inside your head when you think of them. It's a direct acknowledgment and then a deliberate decision of the heart, mind and body to say no. It hurts because it's an experience of the entire being. Not like jumping off a cliff into water before you have time to think about it. Instead it's like waiting as long as it takes to gain full realization of what you're about to do. Those seconds or minutes can be intense. But that experience is necessary in order to gain self-control and discipline. Because only then will you remember why you made those decisions and not turn back later on.

My habits need named. I need to point my finger and stare at them. Show me my habits, Lord. Don't let me be unknowingly (or even knowingly) ruled by them. Only by your grace is this possible. Only by your grace do I attempt this journey.

I now understand better why fasting is important. It's the chance for the mind and body to fully realize what it is so used to and what it can do without. It's realizing that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. He is our bread and it takes time to realize and surrender our habit of dependency and consumption.

December 1

My idols are occupation and sensation. I prefer to serve or indulge in both at the same time. I am temporarily satisfied if I have something to be occupied by that also stirs some sort of feeling inside me. That's why it's hard to sit and do nothing, or even do something that is mundane or ordinary. When I eat breakfast it is just a task. So I read something while I eat and I am satisfied. When I do house chores I like music to stimulate me. When I'm working at the desk I prefer to have a cup of coffee or tea because it feels more special and provides a warm sensation. These are not bad preferences or evil actions at all. But I have become slave to my habits. I become irritable or depressed if I lack a task or am without feeling or excitement. This is not freedom. And in this state I cannot hear God's voice. I can't grow because I'm always looking for something more. Productivity often becomes lord.

I need to change and break my habits so I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind. This is a new journey for me. I am learning how to take this journey from Richard Foster. His insights in Celebration of Discipline have spoken to a place in me that has been hungry for the traditions of saints and the structure that my generation (and maybe several generations back) have lacked in our faith. My realization of this has been slow, but I've noticed it in others as well. There is a movement that reaches for discipline and traditions of the old. I read the first five chapters of Foster's book then stopped for a couple of weeks. I've known for some time that I lack discipline. I pray when I feel like it, read the Bible when I'm inspired or desperately need a word from God. But Foster teaches that the importance of the disciplines (meditation, prayer, fasting, study, simplicity, solitude, submission, service, confession, worship, guidance, celebration) is that they are a path on which transformation and righteousness can occur. I cannot make transformation and righteousness in myself because they are a gift from God. "The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that he can transform us," (chapter 1).

And that is why I want to practice the spiritual disciplines. I want to grow closer to God and be changed to His likeness.

James 4:8
"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you."