This discipline has passed the honeymoon stage and I'm back to meditating only when I feel like it. I've been finding moments here and there to read the Celtic prayers. But even then, I just read them and don't pause to reflect or let the words sink in. I'm getting lazy. But it's not like it should be easy. It's too bad that meditating doesn't come more naturally to me. I find myself wanting to withdraw to a place where I don't have to think. Every day is full of thinking and in the mornings, on my breaks and before bed I just want my brain to stop. I have it in my head that meditating is like thinking. But maybe it doesn't have to be. Maybe it's just listening quietly, or allowing a word or image to float around my head. Even that doesn't sound like that much fun. I would rather my mind be filled without my having to think. I would rather read. Or browse online. Because it fills my mind and I hardly have to do a thing. But to just sit and let my head be empty or just partially full sounds uncomfortable to me. Or boring. There is my idol of occupation. Can I give it up? Is it too scary to let my mind sit empty in submission to God? What will He say to me? My fear is that He will say nothing and I will sit there unnoticed.
There it is.
My fear of being forgotten or ignored. It goes way back. I've been ignored. I am boring enough to just disappear into the background. I feel uninteresting and unimportant. I have found ways to get noticed in my life. They were temporarily satisfying.
Perhaps the reason I don't find meditating appealing is because I'm afraid nothing will come of it. That I won't receive a single moment of revelation or blessing. It's a selfish way to view meditation. Where is my desire to just be with God no matter what He gives me? It's a small desire, if I even have it. I've experienced that desire in fleeting moments of worship...and in the shower with tears of repentance.
Richard Foster has given me the advice before to ask for the desire to meditate. I'm going to keep on asking. "Ask and it shall be given."
On a side note: I would like to experience lent and give something up this year. Last year I gave up radio in the car (it was an obsession) and learned to be still and listen on my commute. It created in me a hesitation to turn it on, which is a miracle. Lord, what would you have me give up this year? Maybe there is a small way to give up my idol of occupation.
Jess, just wanted to let you know I'm here. I read the last two days and the one from last year about Northumbria and the Celtic Office. Love that idea and the poem about refuge was beautiful. Interestingly, I tried to spend five minutes in silence before God to start my day on Monday. For me, the experience was basically one of repeatedly turning over the worries that rushed in upon me.
ReplyDeleteFrank is reading Messy Spirituality now, and we've been discussing Yaconelli's idea: "Spirituality looks like whatever you and I look like when we're thinking about Jesus, when we are trying to find Jesus, when we are trying to figure out what real Christianity looks like in a pretend world."
I wonder Jess if partly you just need to let go of what you think meditation should look like.
Love your honesty. Love that you are undertaking such a brave, bold journey.
Barb
Thanks, Barb. I appreciate what you're saying. I'm trying to not be anxious about the process (I had a feeling I would eventually start feeling that way). I want to enjoy the ups and downs of the discipline. I want to know what to expect, but perhaps I shouldn't have expectations on meditation, like you said. Just let it be what it is. I can tell already that I've learned a lot and that meditation is starting to become a part of my life in a new way.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad Frank is enjoying that book too! Makes me want to read it again.
Thanks so much for your honesty. I can totally relate with you- the thoughts keep on coming, even when I still my body. It's really bothersome, and I feel fake even by saying "God, still me, or give me rest."
ReplyDelete