Meditation | Days 48-62

I've finally started asking questions about what meditation looks like to me personally instead of trying to fit to a template of discipline. It was good to have basic direction on where to begin and it was nice learning different practices to try when I'm at a loss of how to draw near to God in meditation. But I realized that my expectations and disappointments were my own and not God's. It has been very hard to try to find even a small amount of quiet time in my day. Though I think quietness is important, I believe God is wanting more than a chunk of my day.

At the beginning of this search I was motivated to get up in the morning...but mostly to do yoga. These last couple of weeks my lack of sleep has caught up with me. I'm lucky to get a shower in the morning because I'm so groggy I end up turning off my alarm without realizing it. I still do a small reflection on break at work with the Celtic Daily Office. I look forward to that pause. When I come home I am thrown into playing toys with Oliver, making changes on freelance projects, feeding Benjamin, and snuggles on the couch. I have been going to bed way too late as it is and fall asleep thinking, "maybe I have time to talk to God now..."

But this morning I'm letting go of my expectations (I kind of have to as I type this with Benjamin on my lap and Oliver squeezed into the chair with me). I'm going to attempt meditation in the now. I'm going to look for God in the activity in the day and practice awareness. If God gives me quietness, I'll relish it. But my life is packed with noise and I want to see what God is doing in the midst of it all. He's not sitting in a closet waiting for me to come visit Him. He's making dinner with me, showing me his ideas for the next design project, giving me words to encourage a friend, teaching me patience as I deal with conflict. I want to meditate in the moment and not try to find a moment before I meditate.