Prayer | My One Wild Word

I have been practicing a way of prayer I learned from Jan Richardson's book In the Sanctuary of Women. She calls it One Wild Word. She asks God for one word that comes from her deepest of longings when she can't' seem to find the words to pray.

I tried it on a work day last week and searched for my deepest longing to pray from throughout the day. I came up with "Forward." But I realize now it was a word that came from my personal addiction to productivity. I tried to justify that prayer by telling myself, "I want to move forward in my walk with God." It's a silly prayer really because it's not like we can move backwards ever, even when it seems like it. We're always, always moving forward in some way. Learning, experiencing, trying again. I lost track of that "Forward" prayer anyway as I got busy with my tasks and responsibilities.

So yesterday I stopped searching for my word and just asked for it. Communion. It seemed so simple but it brought tears to my eyes because it's what I long for in every way. Communion with God, first and foremost. Communion with my husband, my sons. Communion with my friends and coworkers and with the people I communicate with through my work. It's what I long for other people as well...that they experience community in some amazing way. It's what brings joy and fulfillment and what sharpens us and changes us.

The more I realized what this word meant to me the more I was able to pray it fervently and honestly. And I remembered it. It was what came to my mind every time I started to feel something throughout the day. I felt hurt by something Shane said. Communion. I felt regret for words I said. Communion. I felt embarrassed by my childish tendencies. Communion. I felt joy for my sister's new start in a new home. Communion. I felt a desire for a home of our own someday. Communion. I felt affection and pride for my adorable little boys. Communion. I felt excitement for seeing friends we haven't seen in months. Communion. I enjoyed hot cider and a fire on a chilly night. Communion. I felt relief when laughter healed wounds. Communion.

It was a word-companion throughout the day, and the Holy Spirit knew every meaning and desire behind that word. It was a new day for me because I experienced the discipline of prayer not as a discipline really at all. It was so natural and fulfilling as I experienced each segment of the day to its fullest. It was of way of drawing near to God that wasn't hard for me. I felt like a child on God's knee throwing fits, feeling confused, being safe, glad and thankful. It was not always happy, but I wasn't alone.

When you wake up, ask God for one word to carry through your day. And when you sense a change in the moment of any kind, good or bad, say a prayer with that word. See what it teaches you and how it centers you.

Penny Said It For Me

"I’ve got two [kids], which means I can’t spend days in a cave or hours on my knees. Something about the mental and physical exhaustion of child-rearing makes even the leanest spiritual practice a near impossibility. The proffered solutions are laughable, even ridiculous. Get up earlier to read the Bible. Seriously? Is that a joke? Find space in the small moments of each day? I might feel guilty about it sometimes, but I’d rather wrangle some control over my house and my self lest I turn into the baby food-wearing, greasy-haired, haggard mommy I am but a few small steps ahead of becoming.


I often think there must be something wrong with me, because drinking coffee and brushing my teeth usually takes precedent over reading the Bible.  I berate myself, saying that if I really cared about my spiritual life I would make the necessary sacrifices. I had almost convinced myself of this when a friend suggested Bonnie Miller-McLemore’s book, In the Midst of Chaos: Caring for Children as Spiritual Practice. Miller-McLemore* rejects the notion you must say goodbye to a vibrant spiritual life when you become a parent. She challenges us to get rid of the belief that the sacred is found only in certain rituals, practices, and places, noting that Protestants have forgotten about the sanctification of the ordinary."    - Penny Carothers, from a post on Donald Miller's blog

Hard Work vs. Inspired Work

"...spiritual disciplines have "not been tried and discarded because [they] didn't work, but tried and found difficult (and more than a little tedious) and so shelved in favor of something or other that could be fit into a busy [person's] schedule." - great article from Christianity Today

I can relate to that. Is the reason I don't really want to integrate a routine of spiritual discipline in my life because it's "more than a little tedious"? I'm sometimes really good at tedious things. I also enjoy putting things on my calendar and following through with it. It's satisfying. But putting "prayer time" or "meditation" on my daily calendar doesn't satisfy me. It seems so unnatural and sterile.

"Work harder" just isn't that appealing to me. I have a difficult time working hard on something unless I'm inspired to do so. Is God really saying, "If you really loved me, you would work harder on praying more. You would open that Bible more"? Maybe all God is saying and has said over and over is, "I love you." Every command, nudge, whisper, every experience we have with Him is an act of love. That's inspiring. That makes me want to do something. With that kind of inspiration, my work is for real. It's out of real devotion and love for God because He is good and first loved me. Isn't that the kind of devotion He wants from us? Not forced or scheduled.

I might have figured something out just now...

Maybe the disciplines that I need to practice more are the ones I am weak or lack experience in. I think I need to read the rest of Richard Foster's book; read what the rest of the disciplines are and what they suggest. Maybe I shouldn't draw conclusions yet on integrating spiritual disciplines in my life.

Tired of Discipline

I've procrastinated coming back to this blog to start actually "dialoguing" with myself all that has been in my head over this subject of spiritual disciplines. I haven't had any revelations or conclusions, so this post might be all over the place.

I'm having a hard time wanting to make room for the spiritual disciplines in my life, but maybe that's how it's supposed to be right now. Perhaps God is not allowing room because if I was able to find a nice little routine of spiritual discipline (praying, meditation, studying, etc.) I might just get comfortable and think this is what it's about. It might actually make me lazy in my communion with God. Maybe He is asking more than quiet time and routine pieces of my life . Of course He is.

The last couple of months I've been contemplating whether I even like the idea of spiritual discipline any more. I'm a little annoyed that "Spiritual" is a category in our lives. My belief is that everything is spiritual and there is no reality separate from that. I'm annoyed by the phrase, "It's a God thing" and I'm annoyed by how we categorize life and put "spiritual" in one bucket like God just pops in for the party now and then so we don't forget about Him. I want God to be in and with all of me everywhere, all the time. It's weird trying to fit Christ into my lifestyle. Christ should be my lifestyle.

BUT, as a human, that's very hard to do. Since my brain is not in perfect working order and my heart not in complete surrender all the time…I can see how the disciplines can train our minds and sync our beliefs with our actions.  But I do not have much desire during this season of life to fit those disciplines in. Shouldn't communion with God be a more natural moment-by-moment all-day activity?

Here's the thing: If Jesus were with me right now, would I even ask him about spiritual disciplines? I would feel like such a Pharisee for trying to discuss them with Him! Jesus doesn't talk about spiritual disciplines! No, here's the thing: Jesus is here with me. If that's the one thing I can get into my thick head and it stays there, I may not need to intentionally practice the other spiritual disciplines. They might just show up anyway because they're a natural part of life with Jesus. I just don't know if fasting for the sake of fasting is worth it. Or if praying because it's that time of day again makes any sense. Or if putting a couple volunteer hours in a week for a cause really counts as communion with God. It might make me feel like I'm doing my part and being a good person, but am I really in communion with God because I do those things? I know many have found the disciplines valuable. But ideally I see them being more common rather than set apart. I'm tired of Jesus being an idea that sits on a pew or goes down to the homeless shelter to serve a meal once a week. This is what I'm tossing around lately. I haven't been blogging, but the subject matter is there.

If I get time, I would like to try to write something on the most recent chapter I read from The Celebration of Discipline on the discipline of simplicity. It so appeals to me, not as a discipline though; as a lifestyle. Maybe that's what Richard Foster is getting at anyway.

Study | Days 3-12

I finished the chapter on study and found that Foster meant for more than scripture to be studied. He encourages the study of other books, particularly Christian classics. Dietrich Bonhoeffer's The Cost of Discipleship was mentioned. Although I still haven't finished that book entirely, it has changed my life. The intensity of Bonhoeffer's walk is motivating and really knocks down walls of complacency.

Foster encourages people to ready through and study large books in the Bible that are often read in segments instead of all the way through. I could benefit from this. But I'm trying to take his advice on reading through a smaller book every day for a month, but haven't succeeded in reading past chapter 2 on the days I've tried. I'm starting to doubt that I can take on the challenge of memorizing the entire book of James. It seems like such a huge book now that I look at it that way. This is what I have so far, "James, a bondservant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes in the Dispersion. Greetings."

I have the greeting memorized. Amazing. Discipline is not my strength, as I've noted before.

Another surprising element of study that Foster mentions is the study of nonverbal "books." Nature, current events, human relationships, yourself. He said, for example, to watch "how much our speech is aimed at justifying our actions. We find it almost impossible to act and allow the act to speak for itself... Because of pride and fear, because our reputations are at stake!" I've noticed this in myself lately! And it's driving me nuts how I'm so afraid of people thinking wrongly of me or pointing a guilty finger at me. This is especially true in my marriage. I always want to convince my husband my motives are pure so he will understand why I do things and not be upset. But if my motives are pure then why do I have to keep trying to prove it? I'm kind of annoyed by this in myself now, but at least I'm aware of it. It's a habit I didn't even know existed in myself. Who would have thought I would have discovered it in from reading a chapter on the discipline of study?

Study | Days 1-2

I skipped the chapter of fasting because I am a nursing mother and should not practice that discipline until Benjamin is no longer relying on me for calories and nutrients. I'm relieved, to be honest. I am not that interested in fasting. But I sense that God wants me to experience it and some day I'll go there.

Yesterday I started Foster's chapter on Study. About a week ago Shane challenged me to memorize the book of James. It was mostly to practice memorization than it was to be spiritual. I have a dreadful memory and it sometimes results in messy situations. Forgetting to return an important phonecall. Forgetting to pay a bill. Forgetting a project deadline. I have a decent short-term memory. I would get A's on tests in school because I could memorize all the content the night before. But final exams weren't so great because I didn't retain information throughout the semester. I think I might take on Shane's challenge, but also practice the discipline of study in the fashion that Richard Foster suggests.

He says there are four steps to this discipline.

1. Repitition
2. Concentration
3. Reflection
4. Comprehension

I'm good at repitition. It's almost mindless and I can do that while focusing my attention elsewhere. Concentration I'm good at when I want to be. But I don't practice it unless I have to. Reflection is something I usually only come to when my emotions drive me there. If I feel something strongly enough, or I'm experiencing something that is deeply affecting me, I enjoy taking time to reflect (...and even write a blog about those reflections!).

Comprehension hurts. At least it does when I try hard enough to obtain comprehension. It's like my mind struggles to wrap entirely around a subject. I start battling all other possibilities and questioning whether or not I really comprehended the subject, or if it is even possible to get it. I prefer a "eureka" moment when I suddenly understand and it all makes sense in a natural and exciting way. It's much less exhausting than striving toward comprehension. I'm not saying I don't strive, because some things I want to get. If it's important enough to me I'll strive. But studying just because I know it's good for me. Makes me want to go take a nap just thinking about it.

So I guess the habit that needs broken is laziness. I don't mind admitting that. Because if I can stare laziness in the face and see how ugly and broken it can make a situation, then I'll stand a chance of conquering this habit. Get thee behind me!

The book of James better be at least somewhat exciting. I can't remember if it is...

Prayer | Days 33-41

My coworker shared this poem with my department on Tuesday that seemed to go along well with this blog and what I'm learning/working on. I can't forget why I'm on this journey in the first place. It isn't so I fully understand the disciplines and perfect them. I just want to deny my self-serving and unhealthy habits that only push me away from God.

I'd like to end the prayer section of this blog reflecting on a few key points I've learned about prayer.

• Foster advises to not make prayer complicated but to come to the Lord as a child to her Father in honesty and humility. Seeing prayer this way gives me peace.
• Pray for others. All the time. God's compassion in us drives us in prayer. Foster says if we dread praying for someone then don't. He will give the assignment to someone else with compassion for the person or circumstance. We are not necessarily called to pray for every thing that is before us that needs prayer. I recently felt an overwhelming amount of emotion when reconnecting with an old friend and looking through her online photos. I felt so much a desire to pray for her, so I did. When I shared this with her in an email she messaged me back with a piece of wisdom I have never heard: "Let the emotions flow like tears. Intercession doesn't always mean there is a great need to address but it also means there is a great and deep communion to be had."
• What she said is exactly what I had been realizing about prayer. Prayer is communion. It changes lives and circumstances, but mostly it changes us because we are in communion with our heavenly Father.