Meditation | Days 22 & 23

I found a treasure. Amazingly, I came across a really useful tool that I think I'll start using to help with a routine in my meditation. I was doing a Google search for something (I can't remember what) and came across a blog that was talking about prayer and meditation. The blog cited a prayer from what is called the Celtic Daily Prayer Office. I've been doing a little research on its origins: Northumbria Community which "describes a network of hugely diverse people, from different backgrounds, streams and edges of the Christian faith," that is "Inspired by, drawing from, and living in the spiritual tradition of monasticism." Part of their website provides the morning, midday and evening prayers and meditations of the Celtic Daily Prayer Office that this community of believers recite together. It also has a link to scriptures and meditation for each day of the month. I love it! The prayers are taken right from Scripture and remind me very much of the creeds used in liturgical churches. And the meditations come from non-scriptural writings/poems/songs. I watched a video of the two men who I think started this "unplanned, spontaneous" community (in the 70's I think). One thing that stood out to me from their video was what they said about liturgy. It was something to the effect that what is beautiful about liturgy is that it is with you in the darkest of times. This is why I'm so drawn to liturgy. It provides consistency when life is unpredictable and difficult, and you don't know how else to be with God or communicate with Him. Too bad most of these communities are in Northumbria (northern part of England, south Scotland) because I would LOVE to go study and experience their style of meditation and community.

Yesterday was my first day with these prayers and I'm so thankful to have something other than yoga and the palms down/palms up meditation to try. If you're interested in reading these daily prayers, scriptures and meditations go here. I'll leave with a beautiful poem I read in this morning's meditation.

SARANAM (REFUGE)
Receive our thanks
for night and day,
for food and shelter,
rest and play.
Be here our guest,
and with us stay,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

For this small earth
of sea and land,
for this small space
on which we stand,
for those we touch
with heart and hand,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

In the midst of foes
I cry to Thee,
from the ends of earth,
wherever I may be,
My strength in helplessness,
oh, answer me!
saranam, saranam, saranam.

Make my heart to grow
as great as Thine,
so through my hurt
Your love may shine,
my love be Yours,
Your love be mine,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

For those who've gone,
for those who stay,
for those to come,
following the Way,
be guest and guide
both night and day,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

Meditation | Days 18-21

My body feels awake and energized from two short sessions of morning yoga. My lungs feel clean. My mouth feels fresh with sips of peppermint green tea. My heart feels receptive to what God will give me today. My brain feels on the brink of creativity.  I'm ready.

Ready is one of my favorite state of minds to be in. I think readiness is a gift from God and it's a major part of my life. Sometimes I think about my readiness too much and allow room for discontent. Being ready should be a state of awareness, not a state of anxiety. Like a tennis player who moves their feet as the other player prepares to serve. Or a dancer who energizes her muscles before a big jump. If I'm anxious I'm really not ready and I'll miss the gracefulness of the next move. I'll be to worried about the next move to really be prepared. Readiness is an awareness and acceptance of what is coming at you.

I'm ready, God. And I know you'll be with me and guide my decisions. I know you'll pick me up when I fall and that I can overcome great obstacles with your help.

Meditation | Days 16 & 17

The snooze button has become my enemy this week. I haven't done any yoga because I'm rushing to make it to work on time. My mornings have been without meditation. So I've been trying to squeeze it in on breaks at work. They're little psuedo-prayers here and there, which completely defeats the purpose of meditation altogether. Meditation is pausing in the day to think on God and listen to Him (at least for those of us who haven't mastered meditation while working/doing). I haven't been pausing. The conscious effort is there...I want to pause. But I don't think I have time or that it's important enough to stop. In my opinion, however, meditation should not be on a strict schedule so much that it becomes another task to rule me. I just have to remind myself why I'm making a discipline of it: to draw closer to God. And if that desire really is there, then I will meet him. Sometimes it's a small, small desire. And sometimes I have a bigger desire to sleep or finish a project. Lord, help my first desire to be yours.

The verse Psalm 37:4 comes to mind:

"Delight yourself in the LORD;
         And He will give you the desires of your heart."

And I see Him giving me desires as a gift. Not desires that already exist in my heart. But brand new desires. Lord, make Yourself my true delight.

Mediation | Days 13-15

I went to bed way late last night (Christmas' fault) and decided to meditate while falling asleep. I was too lazy/tired to even sit up in bed and felt a bit guilty. But I felt more connected to God and His voice than I have these last 2 weeks while practicing meditation. I meditated on the same thing my friend has been meditating on: words from "O Holy Night." I couldn't really remember the words in the right order, but the phrase "the soul felt its worth" was very strong in my mind. And even through this day it is playing in my mind and I feel like it is teaching me something about God's gift of His Son. When Christ appeared as human on this Earth...the soul felt its worth. My soul has worth because of God and His life in me. May we feel our worth. My daily strivings do not give me worth....it is God and God only. I feel like I am pining (to use another word from that song) to get closer and realize and experience God. And he is saying, "Just let go. I've got you. We're together."


My emotions are intense today. I am experiencing meditation on a new level. I feel like I could fall apart at any moment and meditation is keeping me grounded. God is all I have to hold on to. It is bliss to come back to His altar every few minutes to breathe and be thankful.

Meditation | Days 6-12

As I have been exploring meditation I find myself forgetting my end goal. It is not to get good at meditating, or to find the meaning of meditation or even to make meditation a habit. My end goal is to draw nearer to God, which is really not a very clear, measurable goal. There is no way to see if I met that goal or to look back on my days and see accomplishment or success. Meditation is a tool and an opportunity to draw nearer. I've been doing yoga, but am still struggling to use it for more than just exercise. Once I become more than a beginner it will probably become easier to meditate simultaneously. I'll just keep practicing, because I know it is good practice. Plus, my body is slowly feeling more capable than it used to. It is good for my physical well-being and encourages good circulation when sitting at a desk all day does not.

I have been practicing the "Palms Down, Palms Up" meditation that Foster teaches in his book. It's a great meditation for the end of the day. I simply sit quietly on my bed with my eyes closed, palms down on my knees. Then I recognize all my anxieties that are lingering from the day. I sometimes say out loud what they are and give them to God. "Lord, I give you my anxiety about my newsletter deadline. I give you my frustration with disciplining Oliver. I give you my obsession with wanting a clean house and disappointment in not having that.....etc." Then as I give those over and trust God in the areas I want control in, I turn my palms up and receive the Lord's blessing. "Lord, I receive your peace about work and the upcoming deadline. I receive your wisdom for disciplining and teaching Oliver. I receive your grace to let go of every task at hand and the patience to deal with one day at a time." I am thankful for this tool as it slows me down and teaches me to trust.

I want to practice his other meditation suggestions as well. Meditation on creation is one and meditation upon events of our time. I haven't yet decided how to approach these, but I'm excited to learn more. Foster ends his meditation chapter with encouraging words:


"You must not be discouraged if in the beginning your meditations have little meaning to you. There is a progression in the spiritual life, and it is wise to have some experience with lesser peaks before trying to tackle the Mt. Everest of the soul. So be patient with yourself. Besides, you are learning a discipline for which you have received no training. Nor does our culture encourage you to develop these skills. You will be going against the tide, but take heart; your task is of immense worth."

He also reminds me that meditation is not a single act, but a way of life.

Meditation | Day 3, 4 & 5

I succeeded in 4 straight days of yoga and meditation. Foster says in his meditation chapter that it's easy for us to associate meditation with the Eastern meditation practices we hear about, but the Christian practice is quite different. The goal of Eastern meditation is to empty mind and your whole self. But the goal of Christian meditation is to first empty yourself and then allow God to fill your mind and heart. This is all paraphrased of course. I don't have his book in front of me.

I've been using online videos and sometimes it isn't easy to meditate on scripture when you're listening to an instructor that is encouraging you to free your mind of thoughts, release your worries, etc. Yoga is not the best way for me to meditate. But it's good practice for repeating scripture in the midst of activity. If I can gain the habit of keeping God at the forefront of my mind while exercising, working and playing, then Yoga will be worth it. But I want to learn meditation apart from yoga. The sitting quiet and still kind. Morning is not a good time for me at this point because my mind is so foggy that I fail to keep concentration and am tempted to fall back asleep. But I can see how quiet meditation might be very helpful at the end of the day before bed. So tonight, Day 5, will be my first try at silent, still meditation. I'm not sure what I will meditate on or use to help guide my thoughts. Foster encourages the imagination. Perhaps I will find a beautiful, peaceful place of nature in my mind to meet with God one on one.

I skipped yoga today since my mother-in-law and sister-in-law stayed the night. My living room was occupied and I didn't want to do yoga with people watching me. That's a little different than having the early morning to yourself or even taking a class. Now, if they would have joined me I wouldn't have minded. Maybe I should have asked! Maybe I'll resume yoga tomorrow.

Another scripture I meditated on during yoga this week: Galations 5:24 "Now those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

Meditation | Days 1 & 2

The first inward spiritual discipline that Foster writes about is meditation. I’ve decided to explore this in two ways: Yoga and Scripture. The last two mornings I’ve risen early enough to start my day with a 20-minute yoga session and chosen John 5:19 to meditate on:

“The Son does nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing; for whatever he does, that the Son does likewise.”

 I’ve also been repeating this scripture when I find a pause in the day such as on my drive to and from work, in between projects at the desk, when I’m pumping milk for baby Benjamin (hey, I can't do anything else but stare at the wall), when I take a sip of water or coffee. I'm enjoying this probably because it gives me a sense of accomplishment. But I really want to receive only what God has for me. Not a false sense of righteousness. I'm doubtful of my feelings and motivation. I am doubtful of my ability to continue this. It's so easy to pat myself on the back.

But I'm thankful that something has stuck with me these past 2 days. I keep thinking and praying, "God, what are you doing that I should see? Help me to see what you're doing so that I may do likewise." It's something to draw me closer and keep my eyes open.

My First Thoughts

Written November 29, the day of my bathroom revelation.

My habits. I can't break them until I first notice them. They must be identified or admitted and then unpracticed. It's so hard because the habit must be deliberately not done. It's like seeing someone you know on the street, stopping, staring at them in the eye for more than a second and then walking away. You stare at them long enough to experience the emotion tied to that person. Long enough to identify what is happening inside your head when you think of them. It's a direct acknowledgment and then a deliberate decision of the heart, mind and body to say no. It hurts because it's an experience of the entire being. Not like jumping off a cliff into water before you have time to think about it. Instead it's like waiting as long as it takes to gain full realization of what you're about to do. Those seconds or minutes can be intense. But that experience is necessary in order to gain self-control and discipline. Because only then will you remember why you made those decisions and not turn back later on.

My habits need named. I need to point my finger and stare at them. Show me my habits, Lord. Don't let me be unknowingly (or even knowingly) ruled by them. Only by your grace is this possible. Only by your grace do I attempt this journey.

I now understand better why fasting is important. It's the chance for the mind and body to fully realize what it is so used to and what it can do without. It's realizing that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. He is our bread and it takes time to realize and surrender our habit of dependency and consumption.

December 1

My idols are occupation and sensation. I prefer to serve or indulge in both at the same time. I am temporarily satisfied if I have something to be occupied by that also stirs some sort of feeling inside me. That's why it's hard to sit and do nothing, or even do something that is mundane or ordinary. When I eat breakfast it is just a task. So I read something while I eat and I am satisfied. When I do house chores I like music to stimulate me. When I'm working at the desk I prefer to have a cup of coffee or tea because it feels more special and provides a warm sensation. These are not bad preferences or evil actions at all. But I have become slave to my habits. I become irritable or depressed if I lack a task or am without feeling or excitement. This is not freedom. And in this state I cannot hear God's voice. I can't grow because I'm always looking for something more. Productivity often becomes lord.

I need to change and break my habits so I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind. This is a new journey for me. I am learning how to take this journey from Richard Foster. His insights in Celebration of Discipline have spoken to a place in me that has been hungry for the traditions of saints and the structure that my generation (and maybe several generations back) have lacked in our faith. My realization of this has been slow, but I've noticed it in others as well. There is a movement that reaches for discipline and traditions of the old. I read the first five chapters of Foster's book then stopped for a couple of weeks. I've known for some time that I lack discipline. I pray when I feel like it, read the Bible when I'm inspired or desperately need a word from God. But Foster teaches that the importance of the disciplines (meditation, prayer, fasting, study, simplicity, solitude, submission, service, confession, worship, guidance, celebration) is that they are a path on which transformation and righteousness can occur. I cannot make transformation and righteousness in myself because they are a gift from God. "The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that he can transform us," (chapter 1).

And that is why I want to practice the spiritual disciplines. I want to grow closer to God and be changed to His likeness.

James 4:8
"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you."

Bathroom Revelation

I really needed a shower. But not just because it had been more than 24 hours since my last one, but because I felt irritated, bitter, and my whole insides were bubbling with disappointment. Unfortunately Fortunately I have a horrible memory, and I have no recollection of what it was all about. All I remember is feeling trapped in myself; sick of what I demand of myself and the ways I cope with...anything. Something drove me to the bathroom which is a wonderful, sometimes the only place to retreat to. A perfect place to be cleansed of myself. To make a long story blog-length, I ended up breaking down in tears and having a huge realization that I need a major change on the inside. I need to be closer to God, and I need his grace to be rid of selfishness and discontentment. And one thing became very clear: I need discipline. And not just any discipline, but the ancient spiritual disciplines.


Two weeks ago I read the first five chapters of Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline - The Path to Spiritual Growth and it stirred in me a hunger to not just read about it but experience it fully. In fact this hunger has been there for a few years now but I've been waiting for the experience to drop in my lap. After my shower experience I decided to start the book over and keep a journal as I learn the disciplines. My first entry took a couple of days as I reflected on my realization and tried to imagine what these next chapters of my life might look like. I read the first chapter again and was stunned by how exactly it spoke to my personal life. My next post will be that first journal entry and then I will begin chapter two, The Discipline of Meditation. Perhaps a blog will encourage me to follow through with this journey and not become lazy in my pursuit.

Lord, let this be a journey led by you. I will seek your face and meet you.