Prayer | Days 19-32

I am slow to put my goals into practice. I am slow to accomplish items on any to-do list unless it is easy or quick. That being said, I've barely scratched the surface of my goals listed in the last blog (I at least have a prayer box now) and feel like I've only dipped a toe in the ocean of disciplined prayer. I might take Richard Foster's suggestion of reading a whole other book on prayer because there is too much to fit into his one chapter. Perhaps I should do my own Scriptural study on prayer. Honestly, I don't really want to and it seems kind of silly to some extent.

I guess what bugs me about the exploration of prayer (whether my own exploration or someone else's) is that it can turn into such an intense separate subject that it detracts from the key message/goal which is God Himself. I don't want to study prayer. I want to draw closer to God and know Him more. Prayer is just a way of doing that and seems simple enough without having to study it, for crying out loud. Jesus' example of prayer is so perfectly simple and all encompassing ("Our Father who art in heaven..."). Yet, He spoke with God so regularly I would hardly call it prayer. I would call it communion. Is that what prayer is? Then why is it important for me to make prayer a distinct discipline when it should be a common integrated part of my life? In my mind, prayer should not even be a word. Communion makes most sense. It's what takes place when two come together and converse. A lack of conversation is almost impossible with my husband on a daily basis. So shouldn't a lack of conversation be almost impossible with the God who lives inside me? The times when I lack conversation with my husband is when we are on bad terms with one another. We don't desire to be with one another when we've hurt or misunderstood each other. Thankfully God does not do wrong or misunderstand me. It's a one-sided issue when there is an issue. Which means I have the ability to draw near again to him when I confess and submit. And if confession and submission are daily then I stay in communion.

Communion. When I think of prayer in this way, I desire it. I see God sitting with me as I thank Him for the meal. I feel His arm around me when I cry in despair for a hurt loved one. I see Him nod in understanding when I'm frustrated with violence and injustice.

God, I long to experience communion with you all day every day. Help me to never face an hour without speaking and listening to you. You ARE near. I just sometimes forget You're with me and walk away from You. Please help me remember. Brand Yourself on my heart so I know forever I'm Yours.
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A side note: I unplugged our TV for Lent. My days feel suddenly longer and I'm playing with more toys and reading more books and washing more dishes. :)


Another side note: I think I've made small forward steps in my communion with God. I'm asking for guidance more before I pray. I love the practice of listening to Him before jumping into prayer.

Prayer | Days 11-18

I see a need for prayer to become more consistent in my life as opposed to just something I do when I have an emotional urge/need. There are a couple things that have come to mind that I want to try in order to draw near to God in prayer, hear His voice and see His power.

1. Keep a box of prayer requests (my own and others'). Pray daily for these items/people.

2. Practice listening to God when I pray. Practice asking for guidance in my prayers.

3. Find a new copy of The Power of a Praying Wife and begin to pray regularly for my husband. I gave my previous copy to my sister. I was skeptical at first, but it is an incredible book that changed how I prayed for my husband and it provides Scripture to assist in praying for different areas of his life. I love praying with Scripture.

Prayer | Days 1-10

Upon finishing Foster's chapter on prayer I realized how many aspects of prayer he touched on. It seemed too simple and like he had a lot more to say but didn't have the space. I'm re-skimming the chapter because I felt like I barely grasped what he was saying. I also started writing this blog 7 days ago and it just didn't work. And then another 3 days ago. Again, I wasn't seeing a common theme to my thoughts. I was skipping around to all the major points Foster made on prayer and couldn't settle on what it was I needed to grasp. There was too much and not enough.

I love prayer and feel like God's power has been revealed to me and those close to me numerous times through prayer. I feel as if He stands next to me when I pray and my faith is somehow strengthened through prayer. Foster hit it on the nose when he says that "To pray is to change. Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us." When I look back on my life, I see this is true. It was while in prayer, through the testimony of another's prayer or in answered prayer that God made the biggest changes in me. So I pray not to receive, but to change so that I may work with God in his will. Once my will is changed to His, I then can pray rightly.

A particular thought in this chapter stood out to me about praying for others with expectation. In Foster's personal study of prayer he found that no where in the Bible did Christ or any of the apostles or prophets say at the end of their prayers, "If it be Thy will." They seemed to pray with assurance that they knew God's will when praying for others. They were so in tune with the workings of the Holy Spirit that when they encountered a need in someone they knew what it was they could boldly ask the Lord for.

Sounds amazing. I am sometimes too quick to pray and see a need in myself to learn to quiet my flesh and listen first for what God is doing. When I ask I do not want to ask in doubt, but with assurance. But I don't think I can do that unless I know I'm listening to God or am in tune with His movement. I feel God calling me to a deeper place with Him. In fact I've felt Him calling me there for a long time. It's a place where I am in constant communion with him and I leave my whole self behind as I walk with Him moment by moment. It seems impossible to me and my mind so easily strays that I doubt I can ever submit to that extent. Only He can change me and make me a person of stillness and focus. I've experienced one day in my life where I felt that closeness of walking with Him and it was enough to make me want that forever. It was a true miracle for my mind to be so still and connected with His movements at the young age of 16. I woke up and new something was different. I knew God was asking me to be quiet and listen to Him. I don't know how I did except that He asked it of me and I agreed. Maybe it is that simple.

This discipline of prayer is a little more intimidating of a discipline than meditation. And there are no clear specific ways to practice it. I think it's a different learning experience for everyone and for me I sense God calling me to listen and be still before I ask. And I also see a need to pray more for others throughout the day in my encounters. I am excited about what God teaches me about prayer.

Meditation | Days 63-70

Amazing how my ears open and my heart becomes increasingly receptive when a major decision is at hand. I'm suddenly waiting, listening, eager for God's voice. God speak. I am too afraid to be anywhere but by your side.

I read to Oliver last night the story of Elijah who ran away to Mt. Sinai seeking God's voice. He experienced God's power in an earthquake and a storm...but he finally heard God's voice in the stillness.

If I can learn to put the same weight on small decisions as I do on big ones I will learn to listen every day, every moment for God's voice and watch for His movement. He is not dormant when days are normal or easy. What if my choice of a route to work tomorrow is just as important as buying a house? Can I learn to listen all the time? It seems impossible right now with the kind of scattered brain I sometimes have.

But now I am experiencing that it is possible to listen and meditate intensely even with my brain. I can write a blog, shop for groceries, feed my baby, eat dinner, watch a television show AND pray/hear/feel God. I am drawing near in the midst of normal life and I feel that He has drawn nearer to me. I'm amazed.



I think I will start my chapter of prayer and see how it adds to what I've learned about meditation so far.

Meditation | Days 48-62

I've finally started asking questions about what meditation looks like to me personally instead of trying to fit to a template of discipline. It was good to have basic direction on where to begin and it was nice learning different practices to try when I'm at a loss of how to draw near to God in meditation. But I realized that my expectations and disappointments were my own and not God's. It has been very hard to try to find even a small amount of quiet time in my day. Though I think quietness is important, I believe God is wanting more than a chunk of my day.

At the beginning of this search I was motivated to get up in the morning...but mostly to do yoga. These last couple of weeks my lack of sleep has caught up with me. I'm lucky to get a shower in the morning because I'm so groggy I end up turning off my alarm without realizing it. I still do a small reflection on break at work with the Celtic Daily Office. I look forward to that pause. When I come home I am thrown into playing toys with Oliver, making changes on freelance projects, feeding Benjamin, and snuggles on the couch. I have been going to bed way too late as it is and fall asleep thinking, "maybe I have time to talk to God now..."

But this morning I'm letting go of my expectations (I kind of have to as I type this with Benjamin on my lap and Oliver squeezed into the chair with me). I'm going to attempt meditation in the now. I'm going to look for God in the activity in the day and practice awareness. If God gives me quietness, I'll relish it. But my life is packed with noise and I want to see what God is doing in the midst of it all. He's not sitting in a closet waiting for me to come visit Him. He's making dinner with me, showing me his ideas for the next design project, giving me words to encourage a friend, teaching me patience as I deal with conflict. I want to meditate in the moment and not try to find a moment before I meditate.

Mediation | Days 38-47

This discipline has passed the honeymoon stage and I'm back to meditating only when I feel like it. I've been finding moments here and there to read the Celtic prayers. But even then, I just read them and don't pause to reflect or let the words sink in. I'm getting lazy. But it's not like it should be easy. It's too bad that meditating doesn't come more naturally to me. I find myself wanting to withdraw to a place where I don't have to think. Every day is full of thinking and in the mornings, on my breaks and before bed I just want my brain to stop. I have it in my head that meditating is like thinking. But maybe it doesn't have to be. Maybe it's just listening quietly, or allowing a word or image to float around my head. Even that doesn't sound like that much fun. I would rather my mind be filled without my having to think. I would rather read. Or browse online. Because it fills my mind and I hardly have to do a thing. But to just sit and let my head be empty or just partially full sounds uncomfortable to me. Or boring. There is my idol of occupation. Can I give it up? Is it too scary to let my mind sit empty in submission to God? What will He say to me? My fear is that He will say nothing and I will sit there unnoticed.

There it is.

My fear of being forgotten or ignored. It goes way back. I've been ignored. I am boring enough to just disappear into the background. I feel uninteresting and unimportant. I have found ways to get noticed in my life. They were temporarily satisfying.

Perhaps the reason I don't find meditating appealing is because I'm afraid nothing will come of it. That I won't receive a single moment of revelation or blessing. It's a selfish way to view meditation. Where is my desire to just be with God no matter what He gives me? It's a small desire, if I even have it. I've experienced that desire in fleeting moments of worship...and in the shower with tears of repentance.

Richard Foster has given me the advice before to ask for the desire to meditate. I'm going to keep on asking. "Ask and it shall be given."


On a side note: I would like to experience lent and give something up this year. Last year I gave up radio in the car (it was an obsession) and learned to be still and listen on my commute. It created in me a hesitation to turn it on, which is a miracle. Lord, what would you have me give up this year? Maybe there is a small way to give up my idol of occupation.

Meditation | Days 31-37

As I was reciting the Lord's Prayer, two thoughts came to mind that are unrelated to the prayer, but related to what was really occupying my mind. 1.) I want to see God's beauty in my work. I want my design to reflect him. 2.) How do super minor details in life have meaning? Does God care about minuscule issues that probably won't matter in a decade and really won't affect anyone? Perhaps he uses those little things in ways we won't ever know; particularly to change us.

I've been obsessing for some hours now about a color palette for the organization I work for, and I seriously need a good conclusion rather quickly. I can't keep obsessing. It's wasting precious time. I decided to pray instead of just staying frustrated and that's when I realized that this little thing may in some way have eternal value. Maybe this process I'm going through will somehow bring me closer to Christ's likeness. Maybe not. But I will stop caring completely about these colors and how I use them if I don't see some sort of purpose in even thinking about it. Why do I care??? Why does this really matter? I care because I want to do my job excellently. Even if I don't carry these colors with me to heaven, and they may not change anyone's life, I care because I don't want to stop caring about how I do the work that is set before me. I might obsess just a little more, but I will seek God in the conquest for the right way to accomplish this little task.

A couple lines from the Celtic Office Midday Prayer:

"Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us.
Establish Thou the work of our hands;
establish Thou the work of our hands."

"Let nothing disturb thee,
nothing affright thee;
all things are passing,
God never changeth!
Patient endurance attaineth to all things;
who God possesseth
in nothing is wanting;
alone God sufficeth."