Meditation | Days 48-62

I've finally started asking questions about what meditation looks like to me personally instead of trying to fit to a template of discipline. It was good to have basic direction on where to begin and it was nice learning different practices to try when I'm at a loss of how to draw near to God in meditation. But I realized that my expectations and disappointments were my own and not God's. It has been very hard to try to find even a small amount of quiet time in my day. Though I think quietness is important, I believe God is wanting more than a chunk of my day.

At the beginning of this search I was motivated to get up in the morning...but mostly to do yoga. These last couple of weeks my lack of sleep has caught up with me. I'm lucky to get a shower in the morning because I'm so groggy I end up turning off my alarm without realizing it. I still do a small reflection on break at work with the Celtic Daily Office. I look forward to that pause. When I come home I am thrown into playing toys with Oliver, making changes on freelance projects, feeding Benjamin, and snuggles on the couch. I have been going to bed way too late as it is and fall asleep thinking, "maybe I have time to talk to God now..."

But this morning I'm letting go of my expectations (I kind of have to as I type this with Benjamin on my lap and Oliver squeezed into the chair with me). I'm going to attempt meditation in the now. I'm going to look for God in the activity in the day and practice awareness. If God gives me quietness, I'll relish it. But my life is packed with noise and I want to see what God is doing in the midst of it all. He's not sitting in a closet waiting for me to come visit Him. He's making dinner with me, showing me his ideas for the next design project, giving me words to encourage a friend, teaching me patience as I deal with conflict. I want to meditate in the moment and not try to find a moment before I meditate.

Mediation | Days 38-47

This discipline has passed the honeymoon stage and I'm back to meditating only when I feel like it. I've been finding moments here and there to read the Celtic prayers. But even then, I just read them and don't pause to reflect or let the words sink in. I'm getting lazy. But it's not like it should be easy. It's too bad that meditating doesn't come more naturally to me. I find myself wanting to withdraw to a place where I don't have to think. Every day is full of thinking and in the mornings, on my breaks and before bed I just want my brain to stop. I have it in my head that meditating is like thinking. But maybe it doesn't have to be. Maybe it's just listening quietly, or allowing a word or image to float around my head. Even that doesn't sound like that much fun. I would rather my mind be filled without my having to think. I would rather read. Or browse online. Because it fills my mind and I hardly have to do a thing. But to just sit and let my head be empty or just partially full sounds uncomfortable to me. Or boring. There is my idol of occupation. Can I give it up? Is it too scary to let my mind sit empty in submission to God? What will He say to me? My fear is that He will say nothing and I will sit there unnoticed.

There it is.

My fear of being forgotten or ignored. It goes way back. I've been ignored. I am boring enough to just disappear into the background. I feel uninteresting and unimportant. I have found ways to get noticed in my life. They were temporarily satisfying.

Perhaps the reason I don't find meditating appealing is because I'm afraid nothing will come of it. That I won't receive a single moment of revelation or blessing. It's a selfish way to view meditation. Where is my desire to just be with God no matter what He gives me? It's a small desire, if I even have it. I've experienced that desire in fleeting moments of worship...and in the shower with tears of repentance.

Richard Foster has given me the advice before to ask for the desire to meditate. I'm going to keep on asking. "Ask and it shall be given."


On a side note: I would like to experience lent and give something up this year. Last year I gave up radio in the car (it was an obsession) and learned to be still and listen on my commute. It created in me a hesitation to turn it on, which is a miracle. Lord, what would you have me give up this year? Maybe there is a small way to give up my idol of occupation.

Meditation | Days 31-37

As I was reciting the Lord's Prayer, two thoughts came to mind that are unrelated to the prayer, but related to what was really occupying my mind. 1.) I want to see God's beauty in my work. I want my design to reflect him. 2.) How do super minor details in life have meaning? Does God care about minuscule issues that probably won't matter in a decade and really won't affect anyone? Perhaps he uses those little things in ways we won't ever know; particularly to change us.

I've been obsessing for some hours now about a color palette for the organization I work for, and I seriously need a good conclusion rather quickly. I can't keep obsessing. It's wasting precious time. I decided to pray instead of just staying frustrated and that's when I realized that this little thing may in some way have eternal value. Maybe this process I'm going through will somehow bring me closer to Christ's likeness. Maybe not. But I will stop caring completely about these colors and how I use them if I don't see some sort of purpose in even thinking about it. Why do I care??? Why does this really matter? I care because I want to do my job excellently. Even if I don't carry these colors with me to heaven, and they may not change anyone's life, I care because I don't want to stop caring about how I do the work that is set before me. I might obsess just a little more, but I will seek God in the conquest for the right way to accomplish this little task.

A couple lines from the Celtic Office Midday Prayer:

"Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us.
Establish Thou the work of our hands;
establish Thou the work of our hands."

"Let nothing disturb thee,
nothing affright thee;
all things are passing,
God never changeth!
Patient endurance attaineth to all things;
who God possesseth
in nothing is wanting;
alone God sufficeth."

Meditation | Days 22 & 23

I found a treasure. Amazingly, I came across a really useful tool that I think I'll start using to help with a routine in my meditation. I was doing a Google search for something (I can't remember what) and came across a blog that was talking about prayer and meditation. The blog cited a prayer from what is called the Celtic Daily Prayer Office. I've been doing a little research on its origins: Northumbria Community which "describes a network of hugely diverse people, from different backgrounds, streams and edges of the Christian faith," that is "Inspired by, drawing from, and living in the spiritual tradition of monasticism." Part of their website provides the morning, midday and evening prayers and meditations of the Celtic Daily Prayer Office that this community of believers recite together. It also has a link to scriptures and meditation for each day of the month. I love it! The prayers are taken right from Scripture and remind me very much of the creeds used in liturgical churches. And the meditations come from non-scriptural writings/poems/songs. I watched a video of the two men who I think started this "unplanned, spontaneous" community (in the 70's I think). One thing that stood out to me from their video was what they said about liturgy. It was something to the effect that what is beautiful about liturgy is that it is with you in the darkest of times. This is why I'm so drawn to liturgy. It provides consistency when life is unpredictable and difficult, and you don't know how else to be with God or communicate with Him. Too bad most of these communities are in Northumbria (northern part of England, south Scotland) because I would LOVE to go study and experience their style of meditation and community.

Yesterday was my first day with these prayers and I'm so thankful to have something other than yoga and the palms down/palms up meditation to try. If you're interested in reading these daily prayers, scriptures and meditations go here. I'll leave with a beautiful poem I read in this morning's meditation.

SARANAM (REFUGE)
Receive our thanks
for night and day,
for food and shelter,
rest and play.
Be here our guest,
and with us stay,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

For this small earth
of sea and land,
for this small space
on which we stand,
for those we touch
with heart and hand,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

In the midst of foes
I cry to Thee,
from the ends of earth,
wherever I may be,
My strength in helplessness,
oh, answer me!
saranam, saranam, saranam.

Make my heart to grow
as great as Thine,
so through my hurt
Your love may shine,
my love be Yours,
Your love be mine,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

For those who've gone,
for those who stay,
for those to come,
following the Way,
be guest and guide
both night and day,
saranam, saranam, saranam.

Meditation | Days 18-21

My body feels awake and energized from two short sessions of morning yoga. My lungs feel clean. My mouth feels fresh with sips of peppermint green tea. My heart feels receptive to what God will give me today. My brain feels on the brink of creativity.  I'm ready.

Ready is one of my favorite state of minds to be in. I think readiness is a gift from God and it's a major part of my life. Sometimes I think about my readiness too much and allow room for discontent. Being ready should be a state of awareness, not a state of anxiety. Like a tennis player who moves their feet as the other player prepares to serve. Or a dancer who energizes her muscles before a big jump. If I'm anxious I'm really not ready and I'll miss the gracefulness of the next move. I'll be to worried about the next move to really be prepared. Readiness is an awareness and acceptance of what is coming at you.

I'm ready, God. And I know you'll be with me and guide my decisions. I know you'll pick me up when I fall and that I can overcome great obstacles with your help.

Meditation | Days 16 & 17

The snooze button has become my enemy this week. I haven't done any yoga because I'm rushing to make it to work on time. My mornings have been without meditation. So I've been trying to squeeze it in on breaks at work. They're little psuedo-prayers here and there, which completely defeats the purpose of meditation altogether. Meditation is pausing in the day to think on God and listen to Him (at least for those of us who haven't mastered meditation while working/doing). I haven't been pausing. The conscious effort is there...I want to pause. But I don't think I have time or that it's important enough to stop. In my opinion, however, meditation should not be on a strict schedule so much that it becomes another task to rule me. I just have to remind myself why I'm making a discipline of it: to draw closer to God. And if that desire really is there, then I will meet him. Sometimes it's a small, small desire. And sometimes I have a bigger desire to sleep or finish a project. Lord, help my first desire to be yours.

The verse Psalm 37:4 comes to mind:

"Delight yourself in the LORD;
         And He will give you the desires of your heart."

And I see Him giving me desires as a gift. Not desires that already exist in my heart. But brand new desires. Lord, make Yourself my true delight.

Mediation | Days 13-15

I went to bed way late last night (Christmas' fault) and decided to meditate while falling asleep. I was too lazy/tired to even sit up in bed and felt a bit guilty. But I felt more connected to God and His voice than I have these last 2 weeks while practicing meditation. I meditated on the same thing my friend has been meditating on: words from "O Holy Night." I couldn't really remember the words in the right order, but the phrase "the soul felt its worth" was very strong in my mind. And even through this day it is playing in my mind and I feel like it is teaching me something about God's gift of His Son. When Christ appeared as human on this Earth...the soul felt its worth. My soul has worth because of God and His life in me. May we feel our worth. My daily strivings do not give me worth....it is God and God only. I feel like I am pining (to use another word from that song) to get closer and realize and experience God. And he is saying, "Just let go. I've got you. We're together."


My emotions are intense today. I am experiencing meditation on a new level. I feel like I could fall apart at any moment and meditation is keeping me grounded. God is all I have to hold on to. It is bliss to come back to His altar every few minutes to breathe and be thankful.